I am a suicide survivor. I have talked about it with friends, loved ones, and a few of my family members. But this is the first time I am writing about it on a public platform.
It happened several years ago when I was in a bad place, personally. At the time, I did not have it in me to feel beyond grief, and look for hope. Also, at the time, I didn’t think I could ever attempt to kill myself. Funny how life throws a curve ball and forces you to question everything you know about yourself! It was the scariest and most humbling experience of my life, and that’s an understatement.
Why am I writing about it now? When I disclosed it initially to a few people, I was told that I didn’t look like someone who would do this. And recently, I overheard a conversation at the supermarket, where someone shared a similar sentiment. It got me thinking—what kind of person wants to kill himself/herself?
The answer is it can be anyone. The thought of harming oneself can occur to anyone, at anytime. It has nothing to do with gender, race, culture, religion or/and nationality. Neither does it have anything to do with parenting, family background, social setup etc.
You do not know how easy it is to fall down that rabbit hole. You don’t realise it until you’re there and by then it’s too late because the darkness there is comforting. To feel alone, utterly hopeless and worthless... it isn’t easy to understand that level of desolation; it’s inexplicable. As quickly as I spiralled down, it took me that much longer and more to crawl my way back, and continue to survive.
It took me two years to talk about it to my family. They were shocked, naturally... I was living in the city but away from them. But much to my surprise, my younger cousins and my brother were amazingly supportive. My father’s reaction was disappointment: “How can my daughter be so weak?”. That hurt—a lot. To live with the knowledge that I had let down my father was crushing. But over the years, I have learned to not worry about things I have no control over.
It was also around that time I realised how lucky I am to have my friends—my support system, who not only helped me see the proverbial light, but also kick my a** when the need arises. That acceptance and security enables me (even today) to fight the battle every day, and not give in. I know this because the rabbit hole is just a spiral away, and I know how fast I can get there.