How to have a good PTM

Have you finished the end of term PTM at your child’s school? Are commiserations or congratulations in order? Every PTM, I am amazed and amused by some species of parents and their actions.

Have you finished the end of term PTM at your child’s school? Are commiserations or congratulations in order? Every PTM, I am amazed and amused by some species of parents and their actions. Here’s how to spot them at your PTM and what to do. 

•  Timus Hoggerova. Even though the PTM announcement e-mail asks all parents to stick to the five- to seven-minute slot allotted per teacher, this species of parent will take up a good thirty minutes of each teacher’s time. Over the years they have trained their vision to ignore the frantic arm-waving of other parents and their ears can only hear things above the frequency of fake throat clearing. These are scary parents. If they have enough to say about their three-year old’s progress in finger painting and circle time, they are to be feared. Turn around and walk away. 
•  HighStandardus IvyLeague-ess. Stanford? Harvard? Yale? This species of parent expects nothing but the best from their child and knows that any good Ivy League school worth its car bumper sticker and overpriced gift store sweat-shirt look at a student’s entire academic history. All of it! So, that B for yoga in grade 2 — that needs to become an A. Pronto. Look, little Mia will do an unsupported headstand right now for you. Show Miss, beta! 
• Closetus Teachera. Spot this kind of parent by their unique conversation openers. ‘Look, I’m an engineer and this is NOT how to teach states of matter to third graders.’ Or ‘Have you seen the chemistry teacher’s class notes? Rubbish! How do I know? I studied Chemistry twenty-five years ago.’ ‘Geography Sir has no idea how to explain weather, yaar. I am an expert because I watch the weather report every day.’ 
• Not Good Enough Not Good Enough. This parent has spent so many years caring for their child in a golden-feathered nest and washing their butts with Evian that nothing is ever good enough for their precious offspring. School lunches aren’t healthy enough. Lessons aren’t challenging enough. Classrooms aren’t well-ventilated enough. Field trips aren’t interesting enough. Spot them by the perennial frown on their faces and don’t ask them ‘So, how’s the term been so far?’ You have been warned.
• Insecta BusyBee-us. Casually, mention that you haven’t seen said parent recently and you will be invited to a minute-by-minute low down of every day of their week. From packing individualised breakfasts and lunch for their four kids to work to Yogalates to taking all their children to enrichment programmes and sports classes to the Thai Slap Massage they just got yesterday night. I know, you walked into school and realised you were wearing mismatched sandals. Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. It could be the start of a trend. Then who’ll be laughing?

Have a good PTM folks. Stick to the time slot, don’t worry about that not-so-great grade in papier mache mask-making, don’t tell teachers how to do their job, if you’re going to have complaints also take the time to make constructive suggestions on how to solve said problems and don’t talk about Thai Slap Massages unless you’re ready to get another one on the spot.