In continuation to last weeks’ conversation about the obvious and completely rational relationship that men have with our makeup, I’m back to shed more light with another edition. This is to ensure that you are actually quenching mens’ thirsts, and not leaving them perplexed mid-drool with your highlighter and glitter lips. Keep this text close to your heart to make sure that your face, hair and general appearance is not at fault for his declining interest in you!
We will start with one of the most widely debated topics: caked on foundation. Since we’re all about science, we’d know that clear, bright and even complexion is a sign of a health and youthful exuberance — things that men slowly sap from you; similar to a succubus that feeds off on your patience and will to live. If your perfect skin comes without makeup, how is a man ever to know which women have already been drained out by men before them; and no longer have any remaining patience for their rubbish? It’s all very confusing.
You also want to make sure that your highlighter is under control and that you’re not wearing too much glitter. It’s no secret that men don’t like it when you shine brighter than them, and are too thwarted by their fragile masculinity to treat themselves to something as frivolous as glitter. I hope you’re able to see the rather distressing problem at hand.
There is nothing men like better than a sexy come-hither stare, and it I recommend that you embellish your eyes with some smouldering smokey makeup in moderation. Moderation is key here. While eyes are the windows to your soul, how’s a guy supposed to wife you up if your shutters are completely overcast with tar-like kohl? Mascara tears are bound to happen because of men and their largely disappointing behaviour. Don’t overdo the eyes, because running black mascara tears is not a good look. Though maybe he should have thought about that before he made you cry.
With time, I’ve also come to understand that men are terrified of lip gloss. This primal fear is akin to mice and cats, or a princess and a pea. It would be helpful if earlier in life, men could understand that sometimes, to kiss a woman means to valiantly brave the shiny gooey layer on her lips. Alas, to be a man is to be conquered by silicon formulae. It’s good to do anything apart from gloss to draw attention to your mouth, like painting it red. This reminds men that your mouth can, in fact do other things too — like telling them to scurry away and find another hobby.