BENGALURU : Here’s an invitation for you: Look for a situation where you are doing something or need to do something, and see for yourself if you announce it to your partner, and if you do, when is it and what do you say about it.Let’s take something as simple as going for a bath, for example. Imagine you are both sitting around with your coffees and gadgets or newspapers, and you are kind of done with it and want to get a move on with your day. Do you just get up and go on for your shower? Do you say it loud, something like, “I am going to go have a bath now?” Or, do you stretch, yawn or do other things and engage with your partner with statements like, “Ah! This is so nice just chilling with you, but I got to go on and have a bath. See you later?” Or, do you ask for permission or acknowledgement with statements like, “Listen! If there’s nothing else right now, I’ll go for my bath, ok? Tons to do later!’
Now, think of something more significant. Say, you want to get some new furniture at home, or change your curtains. Would you just go ahead and do it, and wait to see if your partner notices? Would you just up and announce one bright morning, “I have ordered two new chairs and some curtains, they are coming today. So, be ready for that?” Or, would you comment on things, share what you are thinking and say, “These curtains are dowdy now. I want to freshen up our home! Bring some summer colours! Maybe get a seat to sit near the window and read. What do you think?” and invite your partner for a consultation. Or, would you just talk about things in general, ask if your partner has any views on the furniture and curtains, share yours, and see if there’s anything else that might need attention as well.
Whether big, medium or small, what we want to do with our shared spaces with our partners and how we talk about them with each other, tells us a lot about how we see our relationship. Do you see yourself as having more or less separate lives that just share space? Do you see yourself as anyway in-charge of these things and the other as going along with you? Do you see each other sharing needs and wants, and trying to see how the space can accommodate as much of it as possible? Do you see these things as acts of intimacy and connection, that can help you feel more together? Do you resent the other person for making you do all the work while they themselves don’t take any initiative?
We communicate a lot more than what we seem to say. When we say things and what we say, tell us so much more. If we can notice it, reflect upon it, then maybe we can have more authentic conversations about what’s really going on.
(The author is a counsellor with InnerSight)