Come March and every woman has her inbox full of invites for attending women’s day events, discounts for purchases to pamper oneself and, sometimes, awards to recognise our achievements. Organisations try their best to make their women employees feel special using gifts and celebrations.
At the few events that I participated in, I got to hear a lot of women—mostly successful women from the corporate world and entrepreneurs. Sometimes a film actor, performing artists or sports professionals joined in, but I would also call them solopreneurs for this conversation. Not many men were on the stage, in some cases they were almost missing. Was it by design? I am not sure.
Talks, conversations, panel discussions centred around what women want, what they need to be more comfortable and successful in their careers. All other roles like being a mother, wife, daughter, friend or even a human being with other interests were seen as being a hindrance in the professional success. Success clearly meant professional success only. Even when wellness professionals were roped in, they primarily looked at these successful women as potential customers.
There is a lot that women wanted from employers, especially after maternity breaks. I wondered how many of them thought from an employer’s perspective, especially when it is a small business or a start-up. Can they really afford to pay for an employee for almost a year without expecting anything in return? I know it is a legal right, but businesses have a balance sheet to manage, stakeholders to answer. These factors are bound to influence hiring decisions.
Ironically, while many pointed out the vast pay gap between genders, no one suggested a solution or mentioned any steps being taken towards correcting it. Even the women in leadership position did not talk about putting policies in place to plug the massive pay gap. At most, they said women need to be more assertive in demanding their worth and can improve their negotiation skills. Interestingly, government jobs seem to be really treating women equally when it comes to pay.
As a participant-observer absorbing these conversations, it appeared we women are entangled in the finely woven web of feminism around us. Genetically, we are trying to do everything that women traditionally did and, on top, everything a man traditionally did. We also want to do things in the best possible way. In the process, we are losing the prime years in building a life we no longer have time or energy to enjoy.
Businesses look at financially independent women as high-potential consumers—trying to give them million complexes for not having enough clothes, cosmetics, shoes, holidays. Incidentally, we are a part of creating this trap when we are on the other side of the table. This is how a silken web of the perfect world of desire is woven in which the silkworm itself gets trapped.
On LinkedIn, I saw many women protesting by changing their names to their partners’ name-plus-one. It took me some time to understand that they are protesting about their name not being on the invites, instead they are just +1 with their spouses. I wondered if it also worked the other way round as most of these women are powerful, with a strong identity. It reminded me of the sense of pride many women exhibit when they say, “I did not change my surname after marriage.”
I smile and, when the occasion permits, share that it is indeed the oldest tradition of India you are keeping alive. Women never changed their names in India. For example, we have never come across Sita being addressed as Mrs Raghuvamshi or Mrs Ram. She is always Janaki and Maithili—the daughter of the father and the land she was born to. The same goes for Draupadi, who gets her name from her father Drupad, and Panchali for being the princess of Panchal. Women retained their maiden names all their lives.
I assume the tradition of changing the name happened in the last 100 years or so, when we adopted the western style of addressing married women. Or maybe after we were forced to put surnames in multiple forms, starting with school admission forms. If you check your family records with traditional pundits, you will find that most women used Kumari before marriage and Devi or Rani or Bai after marriage with their names, depending on the region. The lack of surname can be interpreted as an identity independent of anything inherited or assumed.
In so many conversations full of demands, highlighting challenges and problems, I never heard a voice of appreciation for the men in their lives, who I assume have contributed to their success more often than not. Talk to any successful women and you would see them attributing their success to their fathers, husbands, brothers, mentors and friends. Always. But when it comes to women-specific events, they simply forget to acknowledge them. My argument is that if men in your life have helped you succeed, why not credit them in public so that many more young men are inspired to support women around them? In the management jargon, it is like using appreciative inquiry to encourage good behaviour.
Let’s understand and appreciate that we need both men and women in our lives. We owe our existence to our fathers as much as we owe it to our mothers. The best nurturing happens when both parents are available to children. As companions, we stand together during the ups and downs of life. As I always say, balance is the key and gender balance is indeed a delicate one.
Anuradha Goyal
Author and founder of IndiTales.com
Follow her on X @anuradhagoyal