Now, you should have at least two kids, commented an elderly woman in our locality, with a Nurse Ratched note of authority in her voice. She had come to congratulate my wife after we had our first kid, a daughter. The elderly lady, fixed in her ways, perhaps chose the occasion to drive home this point. She was merely skimming the surface of what we went through before the birth of our daughter.
She was born four years after our marriage. In between, we lost two kids. The first baby was stillborn. Then, my wife suffered a miscarriage when she was six months pregnant. Losing two babies in quick succession within two years was emotionally traumatising for my wife. The carapace of our mental strength was cracking. There was no dearth of Job’s comforters, who, while purporting to empathise with us, added to our agony.
They felt that now we should have another kid, preferably a boy, and it would be an icing on the cake. Not only that, some matronly women rubbed it in by saying that the only child grows into a selfish person and gets spoiled by the parents’ undivided attention. The verbal sledgehammer disconcerted my wife no end. People expected her to subsume her own desires in the interests of societal expectations. It was as if she didn’t have a mind of her own. Even today, our society revels in foisting its patriarchal perceptions on women, expecting them to lead lives steeped in conformity and self-pity.
For both of us, battling traditional mindsets and negative stereotyping in this scientific age was a real challenge. Insensitive people are habitually inclined to lecture others. These so-called well-wishers, who were suggesting two kids, never for a moment realised how disorienting and painful it might have been for my spouse to come to terms with the loss of two babies.
At one point, I had even suggested to her that we adopt a baby as I was more concerned about her health. We were not willing to live in the penumbra of the ‘what people will say’ syndrome. My wife made it clear that she would decide whether to have a kid or not.The reason both my wife and I now feel happy is because we don’t regret not having a second baby. We think the world of our only daughter—she is studious and wants to take up a challenging career. We never make her feel that she is alone, and ply her with tender loving care as much as we can.