My 86-year-old mom succumbed to pancreatic cancer some time ago. She had led a remarkably independent life, was much loved by her siblings and extended family, and believed firmly in dressing, eating and living well. And I know for sure that I will miss her nurturing presence in my life, always.
Of course, I had to listen to the condolences. The “She has lived a full life, time she moved on”. Or “At least she has completed all her responsibilities”. Or “She is in a better place now and the end was quick”, and so on. The usual expressions shared with the recently bereaved. And the most common was of course, “Time will heal your loss”.
As I tried to wade through the emptiness and overwhelming grief, I wanted to ask, How full is ‘a full life’? What is ‘the best time to go’? Who decides which are ‘appropriate responsibilities’ to fulfil? The end might have been seen as ‘quick’ but how many really want to know the gruelling details of the progression to the end. And does time really heal? So many questions, and no straight answers.
One friend sat quietly with me and said that she wished that I may treasure that particular moment—the feeling of longing and loss. “Move on, but I pray that you do not lose the sensitivity and feel of these moments,” she said as she hugged me close. I felt so deeply understood and nurtured at that moment.
Each relationship is so unique and so special. How do we pay our condolences in a way that need not trivialise the other’s deepest feelings? How can we genuinely be part of another’s grief? Or do we really want to? And is it mandatory to move on in the shortest time possible? No time for grief, so to say … so please get on with other duties!
I remembered Anton Chekov’s Misery, of Iona Potapov, the sledge-driver who unsuccessfully tries to share the news of his son’s death with the people around him. “He wants to tell how his son was taken ill, how he suffered, what he said before he died, how he died.” And finally, as “the little mare munches, listens, and breathes on her master’s hands, Iona is carried away and tells her all about it”.
We all need to deal with the loss of a loved one at some point in our lives, and in others’ lives. Sharing grief is a life skill too. May we do it with sensitivity and care, for the one who grieves.
Shobha Menon
Email: shobha61@gmail.com