The broad-chested man with a sunken belly looked like a living statue of strength chiselled from stone. In the crowded metro car, his bulging biceps stretched the seams of his sleeves as he bent his arm to light a cigarette.
A woman passenger, seeing no one protesting, finally spoke up, “You cannot smoke on a moving metro train.” However, ignoring her, he continued to puff and, peering into her eyes, deliberately blew the smoke her way.
At the next station, a bespectacled, slight man boarded. He looked at the smoker, patted his pockets to check something, and asked politely, “May I borrow a cigarette? I forgot my cigarette case.”
The muscular man smiled, took out his cigarette case, and offered one.
“Oh, you also smoke Marlboro like me!” The thin man showed pleasant surprise. “By the way, what do you do?”
“I’m a building contractor. I spend most of my time on construction sites,” the muscular man replied.
While exchanging the business cards, the bespectacled man smiled: “That explains your fitness. I’m a civil engineer—we draw the plans that people like you bring to life. Without contractors, our designs would remain on paper.”
The petite man scanned the muscular man’s card, then pocketed it. “Sometimes, clients ask us to recommend builders. Can I refer your name to them?”
“Oh, certainly. That would be very kind of you.” The muscular man bent down to light the thin man’s cigarette. Seeing this, the same woman, feeling bolder due to his slight, non-threatening build, pointed to the ‘No Smoking’ sign. “Can’t you read? Smoking’s prohibited!”
Feigning surprise, the thin man pocketed the cigarette. “Oh, my mistake! We won’t smoke.” Then, leaning toward the smoker, he whispered, “She’s right—let’s smoke later. But I’ll keep your gift as a memento; it will remind me of our meeting—and of you, my friend.”
Touched by the warmth, the muscular man smiled and crushed his cigarette against its steel case; two stations later, he disembarked after giving the bespectacled man a warm hug.
Seeing the thin man alone now, the angry woman started accusing him of siding with the smoker instead of protesting, despite his education. The thin man replied calmly, “Ma’am, I don’t smoke. But I knew if I wanted any influence on him, I had to connect with him before correcting him.”
This “metro” encounter reveals a vital lesson for navigating today’s polarised world, where people, obsessed with pointing out others’ mistakes to prove them wrong, engage in endless arguments on WhatsApp, TV debates, or in meetings. Yet, psychologists note that facts alone seldom form or shift beliefs. When challenged, people become defensive, clinging to their views even more tightly while seeking validation from like-minded others. This reaction, known as reactance in psychology, explains why direct criticism often fails.
Like electricians needing insulation or factory workers wearing safety helmets, wise persuaders, like the thin man in the metro, build a safe connection before offering correction. To win an argument, they first try to win the heart. They understand that validating a person doesn’t equate with endorsing their wrong behaviour, but instead acknowledges their need for being valued as a person. Connection disarms ego, opens a space for listening, and makes real change possible. Without it, even the most logical truth bounces off sealed ears.
The Bhagavad Gita illustrates this timeless wisdom. Krishna does not start by overwhelming Arjuna with philosophy. Instead, he patiently listens to his turmoil, recognising him as a friend and charioteer. Only after building this connection does he guide Arjuna towards the truth. Compassion empowers words. The Gita affirms it: “A kind word, spoken with compassion, is better than truth spoken harshly”. True wisdom is knowing what to say—and saying it in a way the heart can receive. Choosing kindness, empathy, and non-violence in speech over the ego’s urge to correct others rarely fails.
To connect with others, find similarities, such as “you also smoke Marlboro like me!”, and highlight subtle associations, like “we draw plans that you bring to life”. Henri Tajfel, a Polish-British social psychologist, conducted an experiment where he asked participants to draw a blue or red ball from a jar. Afterwards, they were free to distribute money among the other participants as they wished, and it was found that they gave more to those who had drawn a ball of the same colour as theirs. We tend to favour and connect more easily with people with whom we share even trivial similarities—sometimes as minor as colour.
Beyond finding similarities, we can connect with others through simple gestures—a warm smile, attentive listening, or kind words. A gesture of goodwill, such as asking, “may I refer your name to them?” or offering a compliment like “that explains your fitness,” builds rapport. Such gestures succeed because people seek not as much the absolute truth as those who validate their beliefs, so persuasion must start with their “truth”, not yours.
Connection is the bridge that truth needs to travel and begin transformation. Build it before you embark on persuasion.
May we practise connecting before correcting.
