BHOPAL: Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world — Miguel de Cerventes.
Out of all the scars, the one in the head can be the scariest. Merciless and invisible, they can flirt and play peek-a-boo with destiny; it can torment, tear one apart or tease with your emotions. It can drive one to desperation too. There is no discrimination between a king and a pauper nor a champion and an upstart too.
Shooter Anjum Moudgil reflected on those harrowing times when she had to step back to know ‘thyself’, when she had to control her mind. It was not easy after she was dropped from the India team for the World Championships and Asian Games last year. She lost interest in the sport.
That’s the phase she dreaded. “I stopped enjoying (the sport),” she said after ensuring a second-finish behind world record holder Sift Kaur Samra in 50m rifle 3 positions (T4 qualification round) here on Friday. Now, she’s all set for a place in the Paris Olympics team. Somewhere amid the cacophony of securing quota for the Olympics, the joy of shooting just faded into the darkness and settled in the abyss of Anjum’s mind. Shooting was not alone. Another joy of life — painting — too had deserted her.
That’s when she realised she had to step back. She had to rediscover her love for the sport and reset the mind. Rekindle the passion. She did that with a little help from friends and mental trainers.
"I started to train on my own and went out alone and played competitions when I was not with the Indian team,” the 30-year-old said. “Figuring all of that out and working on my mental health. Everything worked together. That has made me stronger post Tokyo.
“It is good to have a team with you. But when you are alone, you can figure out mistakes and I think I am a person who would love to stay alone and I enjoy my company,” she said. “I think that was something that was lost in the chaos of competitions to secure a quota and being with the team. I had to rediscover what I am and what I like. And work on my mistakes in technique and my position. I was training alone and competing also. It is so important to work on my mindset. It really helped.”
When the teams for the Worlds and Asian Games were decided, she was left out. The period after that was one of the worst. Her profound words reflected the turmoil that was within.
“I think when you are just trying too hard to get a result but you are not basically enjoying the process... that’s when you are tired. Because it’s not fun to do it, but you want the result. You want to come in the team, you want the medal,” she said, sounding philosophical. “When you enjoy the process, that’s the time you can get the result. And I was lost in what I wanted rather than what should be done. I was wanting to be in the team for the Worlds and the Asian Games so much that I was not enjoying shooting. I just wanted the result. If the result is not coming then it won’t look good. So it was too negative for me. I had made that scenario for myself. I was just too tired to keep pushing myself, not getting the results.
At the same time I had the best people around me. I cut off from all the people who were not really very positive for me and had very positive people with me who supported me, understood what I am going through.”
The days were trying but not scary. “It’s part of the journey. And I might have gone through this (phase) post Tokyo for some time. You just have to start over. Like a beginner. That’s the thing I did.”
Transitioning from negative to positive and demotivation to motivation was the process that brought her back. “I have been working with a person. They are based in Bengaluru and have been working with them for the last two years now. When I was World No 1, that’s when I started. Because I knew I was World No 1, but I was not accepting that I was World No 1. I was like it’s by mistake that I became No. 1. I mean everyone used to tell me to ‘believe that you were good’. I had issues with believing that I was good. That’s when I thought the only thing I was not doing was mental training. So I thought it was the best time to start (April 2022).”
However, before the Tokyo Olympics, Anjum seemed different. “I think before Tokyo also, my journey had seen a lot of ups and downs. One year, I would be nowhere and then come back. Also I studied sports psychology. But more than that, I have had experience of 10 to 12 years and I knew that the kids in the team were young. Aishwarya, Manu, Divyansh, Sourav... And they were shooting so good before Tokyo. So somewhere I was like, if they don’t shoot well, I know they will break down. It will be so difficult for them to handle. As shooters themselves, they have to believe that it’s okay (to lose).” But now “I have started believing in myself a lot more.” Also, she has started to love painting. Again. She showed it on her mobile. With the Paris Olympics just around the corner, India would hope that belief and joy stays.