BENGALURU: While women have historically borne the brunt of patriarchy, two recent suicides in Bengaluru — that of a techie and a head police constable — have brought attention to the complexities faced by men in urban marriages.
In both cases, victims left detailed notes accusing their wives and in-laws of causing emotional and financial distress. These cases also raise a pressing question: Would the consequences have been different if the victims were women? While law providers say the legal response would have likely been the same, police officials suggest the consequences might have been “more immediate and severe” if the roles had been reversed, revealing the complexities of how gender dynamics influence legal and social reactions.
According to the National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) 2022 data, men accounted for 1,22,724 suicides of a total of 1,70,896 — which is 71.81 per cent of all suicides. NCRB data also reveals that family problems and marriage-related issues were the leading causes of suicide in metropolitan cities, accounting for 32.5 per cent of the cases.
Lacking evidence: Experts
Experts in marriage litigation, police officials and marriage counsellors told The New Indian Express that cases of women filing complaints against their husbands and families, accusing them of threats and torture, have become increasingly common. In these cases, a woman’s statement is often presumed to be the truth, placing the burden of proof on the husband to disprove the allegations.
This dynamic leaves many men with two options – either concede to the woman’s demands to end the legal battle or continue fighting, often facing a prolonged and challenging process. Experts note that despite this, many of these cases ultimately have a low conviction rate, as they are frequently found to be false or unsubstantiated.
Moreover, advocates highlight that in marriage, the dynamics of abuse and lack of clear documentation often make these cases highly complex. In such situations, a woman’s statement is often considered at face value, creating a significant imbalance in the legal process.
In the case of Atul Subhash, the techie who died by suicide after alleging extortion and harassment by his estranged wife and her family, had expressed being under extreme stress as he was forced to travel at least 40 times between Bengaluru and Jaunpur in Uttar Pradesh for court appearances, which added to the emotional and financial strain he was already facing.
Police officials say they have observed a growing number of domestic violence and sexual harassment cases in progressive cities. While the increase is partly attributed to more women reporting these incidents, police officers also point out that some women file dowry harassment or sexual harassment cases when mutual divorce proceedings stall. These cases are often prioritized and processed quickly through the legal system. Meanwhile, divorce proceedings themselves continue to be delayed, leaving the accused in a prolonged legal struggle.
A senior police official, on condition of anonymity, said that at the ground level in police stations, complaints pile up as divorce proceedings drag on, with the judiciary holding the power to intervene but often choosing not to. “In cases like Atul Subhash’s, where baseless charges could be scrutinized and dismissed, why do lives remain in limbo?” the official questioned.
Judiciary does not intervene
What made Atul’s ordeal even more heart-breaking was his forced separation from his four-year-old son. Police officials noted that in many mutual divorce cases, women often make unreasonable demands, such as visitation charges.
In Atul’s case, his wife, Nikita Singhania, allegedly demanded Rs 30 lakh to allow him to see their son. But can someone really charge such a hefty amount for visitation rights, police officials question.
Sahini M, a family court lawyer, explains that in most legal systems, visitation charges are determined by court and are meant to cover reasonable costs like transportation, not serve as a tool for financial manipulation. However, police officials say that if one party demands an unreasonable amount, should the courts not step in? Courts have the authority to intervene in cases where visitation rights are used as a form of extortion or manipulation, an officer says.
Police officials agree that laws are designed to favour women, aiming to counterbalance historical societal advantages given to men. However, they also ask if the judiciary should not be questioned in cases like these. The court holds the power to act impartially, ensuring that fairness prevails beyond gender biases, police officials say, questioning if the legal system should allow one-sided advantages to persist.
While Bengaluru police were investigating Atul’s case, 33-year-old Tippanna Alugur, a head constable at Hulimavu police station, was found dead on railway tracks near Baiyappanahalli. Alugur blamed his wife Parvathi and father-in-law Yamanappa for his death in a two-page suicide note. “I am ending my life after being fed up with harassment by my wife,” Alugur wrote.
Suicide and long-term trauma
While many may view such extreme actions as impulsive, psychologists emphasise that they are often the result of trauma over time.
Dr Divya Shree KR, Consultant, Psychiatry, at Aster CMI Hospital, highlights that emotional and psychological abuse, often overlooked in such cases, has devastating effect especially when compounded by legal battles and financial stress.
“When a person, particularly a man, feels trapped in an emotional and financial bind with nowhere to turn, pressure can build to a point where extreme actions, like suicide, may seem like the only way out,” Dr Divya said, adding that in many cases, men are not equipped or encouraged to express their vulnerability, which makes them more likely to internalise their distress, ultimately leading to a breakdown.
Women seek independence
Several people have pointed to cases where women, especially in urban areas, push men to their limits, either by demanding financial support or by forcing them to distance themselves from their families to avoid conflict. This pattern is often observed in situations where men are unable or unwilling to meet these demands, resulting in prolonged conflict and in many cases, further legal battles. The strain from such ongoing disputes can contribute to emotional distress, escalating the risk of severe actions.
Dr Divya explains that many women, specifically in the urban space, want to live independently with their husbands because they have witnessed the dominance of parents or in-laws within their families, and seek to avoid repeating those dynamics. For them, living separately is a way to establish their autonomy and redefine their roles in marriage. This desire often stems from a modern interpretation of feminism, where independence and control are seen as key to achieving equality in relationships. However, when these expectations clash with traditional family structures, it can lead to tension and conflict, Dr Divya says.
While lawyers argue that cases like Atul’s cannot be linked to abetment due to a lack of direct evidence or proximity, Nithin, a member of the Save Indian Family Foundation, slammed this notion. He questioned how the case would have been handled if the roles were reversed, with a woman dying by suicide and leaving behind a detailed note. “Wouldn’t the man have been arrested immediately if a woman were involved?” he asked, pointing out the bias in handling such cases.
Nithin also highlighted the rising number of cases where men are trapped, with women insisting that their husbands stop supporting their parents financially. He criticised the legal system for its lack of neutrality, emphasizing that laws should be more balanced. He also raised the issue of dowry complaints, questioning, “If an independent woman can file a dowry harassment complaint, why should she still be entitled to alimony or maintenance?”
Alienation from child
Lawyers dealing with marriage litigation cases highlight that many cases involving children often lead to alienation of the child, particularly from the father. They point out that in numerous instances, women violate court orders, such as failing to bring the children for scheduled visits, and simply pay fines without facing serious consequences. This lack of strict enforcement, experts argue, not only contributes to the growing issue of parental alienation but also undermines the fairness of the legal system.
KP Niranjan, a family court lawyer in Bengaluru, explained that in most divorce cases, custody of children often goes to the mother, as per the Hindu Minority and Guardianship Act, 1956, and the Guardians and Wards Act, 1890, which prioritize the child’s welfare. These laws generally assume that mothers are better suited to care for younger children, under the ‘Tender Years Doctrine’, he said. However, this often leads to fathers feeling alienated, with limited visitation rights.
Despite being emotionally attached, fathers are frequently sidelined, with the law reinforcing cultural norms that caregiving is a mother’s responsibility, Niranjan said.
Experts admit that such assumptions overlook the father’s role and fail to consider the best interests of the child on a case-by-case basis. This neglect of the father’s emotional needs and his relationship with the child often contributes to extreme actions, such as suicide, among men.