Of late, violence against women in romantic relationships has risen drastically. Two events were reported recently in the media, and in both cases, the reason for the crime was the victims had ended their relationship with their partners. To avenge the rejection, the two men resorted to killing the women.
Today, we live in a globalised and liberalised world that encourages and often necessitates frequent movements across regions and interactions with various people from varied cultures. Although our social mores are still largely conservative, reforms and progressive outlooks in many realms, particularly in the judicial, have extensively promoted socialisation and cohabitation among the youth. Any advice to youngsters to keep to themselves and not engage in intimate relations outside the normative social boundaries would be considered regressive. At the same time, solutions to these recurring problems must be found quickly before more lives are lost. A psychological approach may be necessary to comprehend such crimes and their gravity and look for remedies.
The desire to be liked and accepted is at the core of human interactions. Rejection is bound to make one feel terrible and react in varied ways. In their study 'Rejection sensitivity and male violence in romantic relationships' (1996), Downey and Feldman observe that the typical responses to rejection are hostility, dejection, withdrawal and jealousy. So, handling rejection maturely and not falling prey to negative outbursts that could endanger those involved in the relationship is paramount.
Research shows rejection feels similar to physical pain. The more intense the rejection, the more intense the pain felt. The feeling of rejection could result in many negative emotions and lead to unpleasant results. The common responses are negative thoughts and emotions and selfish and aggressive behaviour culminating in violence. However, the reactions are individual-specific, depending on the rejection sensitivity of the person involved.
According to Downey and Feldman, rejection sensitivity is the tendency to "anxiously expect, readily perceive, and overreact to rejection." And this may be developed due to repeated rejections in childhood, perhaps from parents and elders who frequently disapproved of children's actions and behaviour. As these children grow into adults, they feel chronically insecure in their relationships and overreact to even perceived rejection.
Not surprisingly, men and women respond to rejection differently, primarily influenced by cultural norms. Men view rejection as a challenge and an insult to their masculinity. An important reason for this is the stereotypical role assigned to men in our cultures: they are the family's sole providers and protectors, and they must necessarily exercise authority over it at all times to prove their love and power.
On the other hand, women are emotionally hurt by rejection and made to feel that something was lacking in them for not succeeding in the relationship. This biased and limited understanding of the roles of men and women encourages women to get over the rejection and men to get even.
Such views are further strengthened by patriarchy and its several external manifestations, especially in films.
Our films have often taught women that they must always reciprocate a man's love no matter what. The woman's point of view and her interests, likes, and dislikes are immaterial. If necessary, the man may even threaten to kill himself to make the woman consent. In addition, once a woman agrees to a relationship, she must continue it forever, regardless of the differences that may arise. If the woman chooses to break up, the man genuinely believes he is entitled to 'destroy' her because of the perceived shame and humiliation. All along, such men were taught to see violence as a means to an end; hence, they have no qualms about committing the crime. For them, life is a battleground where one is a winner or a loser, and they simply cannot afford to be branded a loser, which would hurt their sense of self and fragile egos.
Solutions to these problems may be found at individual and collective levels. At the personal level, research suggests that writing about the feelings and potential implications after a rejection experience may help. It gives sufficient space and time to process the feelings, think, and not be blinded by emotions and move past quickly.
Another way is to focus on the positive, using emotion regulation as a coping mechanism to be free of stressful experiences. Besides, emotional distancing, which is looking at the situation from an outsider's perspective, can also help the negative emotions to dissipate quickly.
Parents, educational institutions, workspaces and other support systems must step in collectively. Men and women must be taught to respect individual freedom and spaces and not view a relationship as bondage bound by ownership. Neither is acceptance a permanent licence nor is rejection the end of life. This requires to be communicated strongly to the youth.
(Dr John J Kennedy is Professor and Dean at Christ University, Bengaluru)