Breaking down the India-US trade deal statement in 'Whose line is it anyway?' style
Trade deals and humor may seem inappropriate.
More so, if it's about India's freshly minted deal with the US, which came after a prolonged pause. When the interim agreement finally did arrive, confusion and criticism overtook relief.
But here's the thing.
Diplomatic dialogue is often rich in nuance and foresight, with all the necessary legal and constitutional elements in place. Which invariably forces intellectuals to over-interpret, while others remain perplexed by the complexity of the contents.
The New Indian Express made a humble attempt to provide an easy reference guide, putting together various aspects of the joint statement and how they were understood and interpreted by everyone involved in the deal or otherwise. This is not to belittle the ongoing trade dialogue in any sense, but to simply make room for a bit of laughter to lighten the mood.
References to anyone or anything in particular are completely unintentional. Here you go.
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The Indo-US joint statement: The United States of America (United States) and India are pleased to announce that they have reached a framework for an Interim Agreement regarding reciprocal and mutually beneficial trade (Interim Agreement).
Indians: We got rid of Trump tariffs. Yay!
Opposition: Modi bowed to Trump.
Trump: Modi is a very good friend. What about nominating me for the Economics Nobel too, Prime Minister?
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: Boy, we managed a better deal.
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Joint statement: Today's framework reaffirms the countries' commitment to the broader US-India Bilateral Trade Agreement (BTA) negotiations, launched by President Donald J Trump and Prime Minister Narendra Modi on February 13, 2025, which will include additional market access commitments and support more resilient supply chains.
Indians: Export everything, like it's a garage sale.
Opposition: We sold a lot during our time. Even without anyone knowing. Ask Britain. Or even Italy.
Trump: Let's see who sells more.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: What exactly do you guys even have to export? We are the real deal.
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Joint statement: The Interim Agreement between the United States and India will represent a historic milestone in our countries' partnership, demonstrating a common commitment to reciprocal and balanced trade based on mutual interest and concrete outcomes.
Indians: That's not important. We've a deal.
Opposition: First get the tariffs down to zero. Until then, it's a nothing burger.
Trump: India should give us billions of dollars. We've even stopped stimmie cheques because of backoffice operations in Bangalore.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: Cheating! Trump told us the exact same thing.
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Joint statement: The United States and India commit to provide each other preferential market access in sectors of respective interests on a sustained basis.
Indians: Sitharamanji's budget bonanzas for coconut farming, beekeeping and others weren't without a reason, after all.
Opposition: Are bourbons, Harleys, Teslas part of the deal?
Trump: Indians should buy Trump Gold and Platinum visa cards. Not H1-Bs.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: Guys, we are the real deal. We have (semiconductor) chips, minerals and what not.
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Joint statement: The United States and India will establish rules of origin that ensure that the benefits of the Agreement accrue predominately to the United States and India.
Indians: Modi must make us rich.
Opposition: Scorecard: Putin-0. Trump-00. Modi-000. Adani and Ambani-1 multiplied by infinity.
Trump: There should be more Trump towers in India. It's a big, beautiful country. Modi is a very good friend.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: Without us, you can't even sell ice cubes to each other.
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Joint statement: Recognizing the importance of working together to resolve long-standing concerns, India also agrees to address long-standing non-tariff barriers to the trade in US food and agricultural products.
Indians: Get GI tags for everything. Golgappas, theplas, fafdas, vada pav... they should all be on US shelves.
Opposition: Wait! Indians are starving. And you want to export?
Trump: Let's make America great again. It's a big, beautiful country. All it needs is $500 billion from India.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: We are the world leaders. From dosa-making machine to flower garland-making machine, we've them all. Want some?
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Joint statement: For the purpose of enhancing ease of compliance with applicable technical regulations, the United States and India intend to discuss their respective standards and conformity assessment procedures for mutually agreed sectors.
Indians: Is Trump saying Putin is still on board?
Opposition: This will benefit Adani and Ambani only.
Trump: Modi is a fantastic man, a friend. But I should get the Nobel.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: So far, it's only a let's-put-on-a-show kind of deal. We are moving on.
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Joint statement: In the event of any changes to the agreed upon tariffs of either country, the United States and India agree that the other country may modify its commitments.
Indians: Oh wait! So there's going to be more drama and heartbreak before a happy ending?
Opposition: We told you so. Trump-Modi will make you feel like kings one minute, fools the next.
Trump: I'm saying I'll tax at will. But Modi is a good man.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: Pro-tip: With Trump, it's like a chicken talking to a duck. So, good luck with that.
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Joint statement: The United States and India will work towards further expanding market access opportunities through the negotiations of the BTA. The United States affirms that it intends to take into consideration, during the negotiations of the BTA, India's request that the United States continue to work to lower tariffs on Indian goods.
Indians: See, Trumpji is promising loyalty bonus.
Opposition: Tariffs at 18% are still higher than earlier. Big loss to Indian exporters. (Fact: Importers pay tariffs)
Trump: Modi should hold Namaste Trump kinda roadshows for my midterms.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: Bro, did he offer any group discounts? Discuss.
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Joint statement: The United States and India agree to strengthen economic security alignment to enhance supply chain resilience and innovation through complementary actions to address non-market policies of third parties as well as cooperation on inbound and outbound investment reviews and export controls.
Indians: Eco security alignment...non-market policies whatever, third parties cooperation this-and-that, inbound, outbound something...Ok. We got this, bro.
Opposition: It means, no to Russian oil and yes to American food products.
Trump: I'm stopping all wars. Modi should nominate me for that damn Nobel!
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: That's a roundabout way of asking India to join hands and attack us.
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Joint statement: The United States and India commit to address discriminatory or burdensome practices and other barriers to digital trade and to set a clear pathway to achieve robust, ambitious, and mutually beneficial digital trade rules as part of the BTA.
Indians: Read it twice over. Jump to the next line.
Opposition: It's dfafjjljaljalfadf. Whatever that means.
Trump: No more H1-B visas; no more backoffice jobs to India.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: What's the underlying message here? We repeat, we are the real deal.
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Joint statement: The United States and India will promptly implement this framework and work towards finalizing the Interim Agreement with a view to concluding a mutually beneficial BTA consistent with the roadmap agreed in the Terms of Reference BTA consistent with the roadmap agreed in the Terms of Reference.
Indians: We don't get a word of this. But okay, thank you.
Opposition: Smiles and winks; that's what granny said we should do when things get confusing.
Trump: Over to McKinsey.
China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan: If you get it, ping us on WhatsApp.
