It has become a social edict to brand expectations on man. From the moment of birth, when we seek astrologers to draw a chart for our children, trying to figure what the future holds for them, to the time we educate them to become ‘someone’ or attain ‘something’ and the time they are adults at work, we do not let a moment pass by without placing the burden of expectation on man’s shoulders. An employee is judged by the expectations of the corporation and his bosses, a student by the teacher’s and a child by his parents.
When I teach, I talk a great deal about expectations, and how they have become an epidemic that is putting off happiness for people all over the world. Expectations are considered by many to be a very good thing—they help people to strive for success, to make a good living for themselves and their families and to reach great heights. From my point of view, however, expectations are related to being overly outcome-driven, so again, it is a matter of creating a list of conditions or goals that have to be met before we can really say we have ‘made it’ and allow ourselves to be happy; and when we don’t reach all our goals, we feel disappointed.
Here is an example. In the morning you may set your goals for the day, such as spending more time with your family or getting through your ‘to do’ list at work. And then at the end of the day you become disappointed as you realise there are still so many things you wanted to do. If you focus on your intentions, instead, you may begin the day with a simple desire to express your appreciation for the people close to you and to make the most of the day. You focus on what you do, rather than worrying about what you haven’t done. A moment spent with your loved ones might be fleeting but counts for so much because you are right there, happy in their presence. It’s a change in your perspective.
If you can practice being intention-driven, then you do not rely on one particular outcome, so long as you have tried your best. When you place too much emphasis on outcomes, you are too attached to an imagined future.
If you focus on your intentions, you become more present—what matters is what you are doing right now. Your intentions are based on your values, they are connected with your heart. This isn’t to say that you abandon all goals; for example goals like gaining an educational degree or a promotion at work can be very helpful in encouraging ourselves to grow and fulfil our potential, but that you put the emphasis on your intention—why you want to do these things, rather than being attached to specific outcomes. The interesting thing is that the more you concentrate on your intentions and values, the more effective you become at fulfilling your goals, too, because what you do during the day becomes aligned with your purpose. Happiness becomes the journey, not the destination, and you still find your way home.
You can also be a much more flexible person in this way, open to all the possibilities of an uncertain future. Expectations come with the potential for much disappointment, whereas intentions simply get you into a good frame of mind, from which anything might happen and you no longer need to feel attached to one specific outcome. One of the biggest obstacles to happiness is when there is a disconnect between what we know in our hearts is the right thing for us to do and what we actually do.
It is not always easy to match up our purpose with how we think, speak and act, but the more we can do this, the more productive and connected we will be. Life rarely goes according to plan, so why make a trap for your own happiness by placing the burden of expectation on it?
Many people feel that they would be much happier if they could strike the right balance between work and life. Sometimes I think we forget that work is life, rather than being something separate that we put up with so that we can have a comfortable life the rest of the time. How people feel at work tends to become a barometer for happiness, a rollercoaster of good and bad days with so many potential saboteurs, from bosses to colleagues to feeling the weight of responsibility, to things going wrong or feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
The challenge is that we have all been conditioned to this situation. The worse part is that we are all partners in the crime. We too place similar expectations on others all the time—as friends, lovers, neighbours, colleagues, bosses or parents. It is therefore very important to be aware of both—the expectations that are being placed on you and the expectations you are placing on others. Practice this awareness fully. When you become aware of the sharp claws of expectations around you, you will feel released; a burst of energy and uplift in the knowledge that it need not be so; that you do not have to serve anyone else’s idea of you and that you can be completely comfortable and at home with working out your own rhythm—at work, at play, in life.
If you ever feel that you have somehow lost your way, or you are not sure which direction to take, meditation and mindfulness can help you to see beneath the choppy surface to the clarity within. Have the courage to keep going and bring your attention right into the present moment to look around you and see what is really going on in your life. Resolve to sweep away your doubts and uncertainties, and grab today for all it’s worth.
The author is the spiritual head of the 1,000-year-old Drukpa Order based in the Himalayas