Dr Padmanabhan (not his real name) was a senior bureaucrat. He shared with me that he had read my books and had come to meet me because he was going through a personal problem on which he needed my advice.
“It is seven years now. There has never been a day when I have not missed my daughter. I had severed my relationship with her when she married a man of a different religion, against my consent. Without her, despite all that I have achieved in my life, everything looks so meaningless. Recently, while walking up to the stage to receive a prestigious national award, instead of feeling happy or proud, I was struggling to keep myself from breaking down,” he said. By the time, his eyes had become wet with emotions.
As a father myself, I felt deep empathy with him.
I made him aware of how, as parents, we often forget that our children come into this world through us and not from us; we don’t own them. Children are individuals and we should respect the way they want to live their lives.
We should not love a parrot by putting it in a cage with an intention to make it repeat what we want. If we really care for the bird, then we should see and feel what we would need if we were in its position—and then provide it with grains, water, freedom or whatever it needs. After doing so, what should we expect in return? Nothing, but the joy of doing so.
Love is easier to feel and express when our daughter or son does what we expect from her/him. But we are never ready to accept when s/he is doing something according to their wish.
This is the time when our daughter or son needs us the most but we are never ready to understand his/her feelings by putting ourselves in their position.
Should we pull back our love when s/he needs it the most, or continue to love him/her, as before? This is the hardest test that life can offer to our love—the unconditionality test. We will pass this test only when our empathy for the other person is bigger than our expectations.
“You have provided me a different way to look at it and it makes sense to me. I want to correct my mistake and pass the unconditionality test. But I am not sure if my daughter will forgive me. Isn’t it too late?” he asked regretfully.
“Why don’t you call her, right now?”
I suggested.
He thought for a while, hesitated, paced up and down for some time before making up his mind, and then he called her: “Namrata beta, this is your papa. How are you?” His daughter replied, “Papa, is it you? I cannot believe it, papa. How are you, papa?” And she broke down. There was a long pause... and then she continued, “Papa, I feel guilty for hurting you, but I have missed you and cried every single day. Please forgive me for what I have done”.
“I miss you too beta. Please forgive me. It was my fault. It was not fair on my part as I have asked you to sacrifice your real happiness for the sake of my imaginary fears. Our behaviour, habits, values, beliefs, preferences, opinions, needs and decisions—all these could be different beta, but nothing should ever stand between the love of a father and a daughter,” he told his daughter with a quivering voice.
Struggling to control his emotions, he requested her, “Come home, beta. I want to play with my granddaughter. And do bring Wilfred (her husband) along with you. I want to hug him tight and seek forgiveness.” “We are coming by the next flight papa,” she replied. As a father, Dr. Padmanabhan had just passed the unconditionality test.
Anil Bhatnagar is a corporate trainer, motivational speaker and the author of Success 24x7 and several other books.
thrive.ab@gmail.com