Modern life dictates our modes of living to such an extent that we are now tutored on the meaning of life based on pre-set ideas of success, satisfaction and happiness. It is a testament to this prescription that we are advised a perpetual state of comfort, or bliss—and sometimes when we can’t get it straight up we take medication pills.
We are being told the wrong truths. Life is not meant to be a straight line. Suffering, sadness and grief are an essential part of what it is to be human; they are even an essential part of happiness in a way. We can find the lessons in the challenges that we face, discovering strengths, perhaps, that we never knew we had or deciding to make improvements in ourselves. They remind us that life matters and that we shouldn’t waste a minute; they are a part of developing a deep appreciation of life. So never be afraid to be sad or to grieve—have the courage to let your heart be broken. But also develop the part of you that is joyful and loving, so that you won’t ever be trapped in your suffering.
It is interesting to note that the heart is a muscle and it has the capacity to withstand the jolts life gives it. In other words, a heart does not break at all—it is the mind that cracks first with pain. It is therefore by taking care of our minds that we can transcend the feelings of pain and rejection or dejection. We have to train our minds to not shun or shut down at the first instance of an emotional shock. Instead, train it to feel these emotions deeply and fully. Which is why we emphasise meditation—it helps us become better friends with our emotions. Meditation also means letting the mind resolve emotions naturally and without fear of pain.
When the rug is pulled from beneath us and we experience the pain of a difficult fall along the path of our lives, we have a choice whether to use this as a wake-up call or take an emotional pill, and wish we could sleep and take the pain away. If we choose to stay with ourselves and our emotions at these times, and try our best not to run for cover, then we will have a chance to become truly awake in our lives. We must never be afraid to ask for help when we need it, just as we would want someone we cared for to ask for support from us. Never be afraid that you can’t catch yourself if you fall—you just need to trust and give yourself the kindness and compassion that you give to others.
Modern life is shaping our emotional reflexes. The sheer pressure to achieve is putting a massive weight on people’s shoulders, and that far from being happier, they are becoming more vulnerable to mental conditions like depression and anxiety. It also means that we aren’t prepared for the changing nature of life: we want all the ups, but lack the coping tools for the downs. Similarly, if we prepare for the fact that we are going to die—given that this is the one certainty we have in life—we will be much more likely to make the most of our lives and have the best chance to uncover our happiness.
In the Buddhist philosophy we talk of ‘samsara’ (suffering) and ‘nirvana’ (peaceful bliss) being like two sides of the same coin, both existing at the same time. In the same way, where there is darkness, there is always light. So when I say you should be prepared for the worst, this doesn’t mean having a negative outlook or attitude; it is simply that you should be free from expectations—flexible and open to whatever the day may bring. A free mind is prepared for anything, and can also take you to places perhaps you never thought possible.
Happiness walks hand in hand with all the other emotions that we experience. If we allow ourselves to care very deeply, whatever the emotion, then we take a step closer to being the person we are meant to be. When we pick ourselves up from a broken heart, we are a more beautiful human being as a result. It is essential that we do not ignore our sadness or pain. We don’t need to wear it as a badge of honour, because that is the type of armour that will keep happiness from entering our hearts too, but we need to acknowledge all our emotions because it is by first looking them in the face that we are then able to let them go.The author is the spiritual head of the 1,000-year-old Drukpa Order based in the Himalayas