The foundation of our relationships needs to be mutual trust. The relationship between a husband and wife, between two friends, and between business partners—all are sustainable only if there is mutual trust. It is our awareness of our own weaknesses that makes us suspect and find faults in others. This results in our inability to enjoy their love. In the end, we also lose our happiness and peace of mind.
When two people begin living together, conflict is only natural. We see this in all relationships. It is human nature to blame the other person for all our problems. We refuse to take any responsibility ourselves. This attitude is unhealthy. The mere thought, “I’m not an egoistic person, so it’s not my fault,” itself is ego. The ego is very sensitive. What it dislikes most is criticism. Moreover, when our ego becomes unmanageable, it adds to our burden by producing paranoia and fear. This destroys our mental peace and harms our ability to think rationally.
Two children were playing. The boy had some pocket money. The girl had some chocolates. The boy said, “If you give me chocolates, I’ll give you money.” The girl agreed. She gave him some chocolates. On receiving the chocolates, the boy separated the most valuable coins and gave her the less valuable ones. The girl did not realise what was going on, and she laid down and slept peacefully. The boy was still thinking, “I bet she had some really expensive chocolates. Instead of giving them to me, she probably gave me the cheaper ones. Just like I set aside the most valuable coins, she must have held back the more expensive chocolates.” With all these suspicions, he could not fall asleep.
Two people marry craving love, peace and happiness, but due to their suspicious natures, they live a life of hell, without any peace. As long as the monster called suspicion pervades our mind, no amount of counselling or advice will help. So many families are destroyed like this. Some men tell Amma, “I think my wife is having an affair.” Some women tell Amma, “I watch my husband talking to someone on the phone in a very soft voice. At night, I am unable to sleep at all.”
Even though people exchange beautiful and flowery words about their love for one another, somewhere deep inside, most believe love is about taking. In reality, love is more about giving. Only through giving love can one grow and help others to grow. If this giving attitude is absent, then the so-called “love” will only cause suffering—both for the lover and for the beloved. We shouldn’t think, “Is he a good friend to me?” Rather we should think, “Am I being a good friend to others?”
First, we must be willing to love and trust our life-partners. If we are willing to be loving and trustful, 95 percent of that will return to us. Suspicion creates suspicion and trust creates trust. Before finding fault with our partners, we must learn to look inside ourselves.
What often helps is for people in a relationship to speak openly with each other, instead of clinging to suspicions. Don’t hesitate to seek the help of friends or even professionals when needed. Being patient with each other, being close and being there for one another is what makes relationships strong. Above all, understand the spiritual truths and learn to find happiness within. If we can do this, then we will be able to enjoy happiness in relationships as well. The writer is a world-renowned spiritual leader