AICC headquarters on Akbar Road. A meeting is on, presided by Sonia Gandhi. Among those participating are Digvijaya Singh, Ahmed Patel, Jairam Ramesh and of couse Rahul Gandhi. A peon stands around to bring coffee and cookies (no chai pe charcha here). Rahul is playing games on his phone. He lets out a whoop of triumph, “I beat ’em, I beat ’em...”
Sonia looks at him adoringly.
SG: “Il bambino is the winner! So what if he can’t win over angry voters? He can win in Angry Birds.”
She looks around triumphantly, but nobody
answers. All heads are bowed.
SG: “Why do y’all look like angry birds? Chill, my chelas, Baba knows how to take the party in a new direction.”
Peon: (softly) “Which direction is the dustbin?”
AP: “Soniaji, I couldn’t even give my driver the right directions. He was confused whether our
office is on Rana Pratap Marg or Akbar Road.”
JR: (giggling) “Thankfully, it’s not MJ Akbar Road or else you would have got lost between the Congress and BJP.”
SG: “Guys, stop this malarkey. My inner voice says though we may have lost some states, we have stumped Narendra Modi with a better campaign than Beti Bachao. Mine is called Beta Bachao.”
DS: “Madam, the need of the hour is Congress Bachao. Beta Bachao is what got us into this mess. We are in the ICU and need surgery.”
Rahul interrupts, leaping onto the sofa, waving his phone and shouts, “I’ve got to the top level of Prince of Persia! Awesome me!”
SG: “Oh, il bambino, you are the prince of India. Or, you will be one day, For now, you are the prince of the Congress.”
JR: (aside) “Of course the privy purse was never abolished for la famiglia? Ask Quattorocchi.”
Digvijaya suddenly sits up. He smiles broadly.
DS: “Indiraji’s mention has given me a great idea of what sort of surgery the party needs.”
SG: “What do you suggest, Diggy?”
DS: “In surgery, the doctors cut up things. So, how about we split the party? History has shown that whenever the party splits, the family wins the elections.”
SG: “What sort of a split, Raja?”
DS: “Let’s engineer a split in the Family between Congress (R) and Congress (R). ”
Everyone looks confused.
DS: “Congress (Rahul) and Congress (Robert), you dolts! The first one will lose all the states, natch. The second will win, since Bob owns more land than all the Congress-ruled states put together. Priyankaji then will have to campaign for us. Our war cry will be “Beti! Humein Bachao!”
AP: “And how do we split? There is no party left to split. It’s Amit Shah who is having a party now!”
Chorus: “A Rahul-vimukt Congress? Yippeee!”
Peon: (muttering) “If only there was a Gandhi-vimukt Congress!”
Sonia glares around and gets up.
SG: “Don’t worry, Congressmen. Even if we lose all elections, I do have a backup plan. We will contest the polls in Italy.”
RG: “Can I play Angry Birds in Vicenza?”
Peon: “Now I know what surgery the party needs. It’s brain surgery.”