Trump mama’s birthright drama

Maternity wards in US hospitals are already busier than Ameerpet during visa season. Pregnant desi ladies are lining up faster than Black Friday shoppers at Walmart.
U.S President Donald Trump
U.S President Donald Trump
Updated on
3 min read

HYDERABAD: Trump Mama has done it again. This time, he’s axing birthright citizenship, and while liberal late-night hosts pretended to be shocked and cried into their studio cameras (before laughing their way to the bank), some Indians quietly changed their dreams from ‘Non-Resident Indian’ to ‘Not-Interested Indian’. But us daring Indians? We didn’t panic. We just preponed pregnancies. If we can adjust our birth time for the perfect zodiac sign, surely we can do it for citizenship. February 20 is now astrologically approved by Pandits.

Maternity wards in US hospitals are already busier than Ameerpet during visa season. Pregnant desi ladies are lining up faster than Black Friday shoppers at Walmart, and at this rate, delivery rooms might soon be hotter than California wildfires. Trump Mama’s speed bump for immigrants doesn’t scare us — our baby bump will just bounce right over it. When has a speed bump ever slowed down a Hyderabadi anyway?

Hyderabadis are built to adjust. Trump thinks he can stop us? Nice try, boss. Our engineers have aced four years of mechanical engineering without even knowing how to spell “mechanical.” Cracking a loophole here? Too easy. Coaching centres in Ameerpet are already upgrading their syllabus to include “How to Woo a White Woman 101.” Why stop at the American Dream when you can secure the American Pie dream too? Imagine a cultural mix where brown and white unite to create the perfect shade of beige kids.

U.S President Donald Trump
Indian-American lawmakers oppose Trump’s executive order limiting birthright citizenship

Some of our engineers have already landed US jobs with fake certificates, and that industry is now diversifying. Clinics in Madhapur are gearing up to modify real Indians into ‘fake Americans’ — complete with blonde wigs, blue eyes, and accents so convincing they could fool the FBI. If we don’t judge actors for plastic surgery to get an acting gig, why judge engineers for a nose job to land an IT gig? It’s just career planning with a few extra cuts.

And let’s not forget our divine backup plan — Trump Temple in Telangana. Last time his daughter came to Hyderabad, we impressed her with painted flyovers and hidden beggars.

The next time a Trump visits, we’ll go full Bollywood temple scene. With a little divine intervention, Telugu IT engineers might get their own US policy exemption. It’s all about playing the long game. If divine intervention fails, there’s always the shiny strategy. Trump Mama loves shiny things, so let’s raid the Salar Jung Museum and send him stuff we don’t care about — like the Veiled Rebecca or that weird musical clock. These relics haven’t seen a crowd since our school picnic days anyway. Hand him a diamond-encrusted sword, and his capitalist heart will melt faster than butter on a tandoori naan. And here’s a wild card — introduce Trump Mama to the caste system. Sell it as the original version of discrimination, and he’ll be so impressed he might let us rewrite his policies. Suddenly, we’ll go from victims of policy to makers of policy. Sorry, black folks — you’ll go from dealing with racism to facing casteism, but hey, we’ll be there to face it together.

U.S President Donald Trump
'Blatantly unconstitutional': Federal judge blocks Trump’s executive order redefining birthright citizenship

Trump Mama’s rule will definitely affect us, but stop us? Never. He might try to build another wall, but he forgets that Hyderabadis code most of his firewalls. We’ll find a way in — just like life always finds a way out.

Sandesh Johnny

@johnnykasandesh

(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)

(The writer’s views are his own)

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