In ancient Greek, an “apology” was understood as a defense of ideas, not an expression of regret. It was only later that the usage of the word changed, evolving alongside shifts in social realities and interpersonal morality. In that sense, Arundhati Ghosh’s book All Our Love: Journeys with Polyamory in India can be seen as a kind of apology, a defense of polyamory, a relationship form often viewed as morally obtuse.
For the first time, someone attempts to present a nuanced case for polyamory in the Indian context. Ghosh points out that with the advent of private property and concerns around inheritance, monogamy emerged as a social agreement. She writes, “...in the contemporary world of relationships, we have conflated love with marriage or partnerships, and the normative conditions of monoamory and monogamy—loving one person at a time—strengthen each other’s existence and justification.”
Ghosh further argues that polyamory is “natural for humans.” To support this, she cites several examples of communities that practice polyamory in some form, including the Barí of Venezuela, the Irigwe of Nigeria, the Marquesans of the Pacific, and the Nyinba of Nepal, among others.
Love and intimacy are a “political struggle”, and loving beyond socially and culturally defined boundaries is not an aberration. For instance, falling in love outside one’s religion or caste is considered a significant act, yet people routinely develop affections for individuals irrespective of their religion, colour, caste, or nationality and get married.
In contrast, loving multiple people often appears to be revolting, yet it is not an entirely alien concept. Even in India, the practice of loving multiple people exists because feelings cannot always be controlled. And yet, people still choose to stay within the boundaries of monogamy in order to remain ethical. For instance, Ghosh points to the film Rajnigandha (1974), based on Manu Bhandari’s short story Yahi Sach Hai. This film was a clue for her that people do fall in love with multiple people. This film explores the internal dilemma of the female lead as she tries to choose between two men, bound by the moral framework of monogamy.
Polyamory as an idea first gained prominence in the United States. In the 1990s, communities advocating “free love” and the concept of polyamory began gaining visibility. One influential work that emerged during this time was The Ethical Slut (1997) by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, which helped people explore and practice what they called “ethical sluthood,” which Ghosh also mentioned. Still, polyamory remained and continues to be a challenge in terms of social acceptance. The most important reason for that is the upbringing in monoamorous set-ups and cultural learning catering to monoamory—anything outside would be wrong and immoral.
In the book Ghosh interviewed some polyamorous couples, and they openly discussed their fantasies, kinks, and desires. For instance, one married couple spoke candidly about their exploration of a threesome, something that might be considered iconoclastic by mainstream norms. Such desires are valid and acceptable as long as they are consensual and do not harm anyone. Still, the conversation around polyamory remains complex. While love can be expansive, desire often resists boundaries. This is why ethical frameworks are essential; something polyamory as a setup attempts to offer yet struggles to gain acceptance or legitimacy.
A recent example involved a couple in Rajasthan who engaged in consensual sex with strangers and uploaded the videos on porn sites. The content went viral, and they were later arrested. This case illustrates how difficult it is to define such experiences as simply “love.” When kinks are involved, it may cross legal and moral boundaries. Nonetheless, all expressions of intimacy deserve space as long as they are rooted in care, consent, and honesty.
Beyond social acceptance, perhaps the greatest challenge polyamorous relationships face is jealousy, how to manage it, and how to navigate heartbreak. It is very difficult for a person to be openly polyamorous in a society like India, especially women. So If a polyamorous person falls in love with someone who is monogamous, it can lead to pain, especially when the polyamorous person isn’t open about their orientation. This lack of transparency often results in mistrust and social stigma.
Ghosh uses the word “compersion,” often described as the opposite of jealousy. It refers to the joy one feels when their partner experiences love or pleasure with someone else. But compassion can only exist when both partners are free from jealousy. If a couple can reach that emotional maturity, polyamory may indeed become a fulfilling and ethical way of loving.
All in all, All Our Love is an important and thought-provoking book, a compelling “apology” in the classical sense, and a strong case for ethical open relationships. Some arguments and anecdotes may feel underdeveloped or uneven, but the book nonetheless holds historical significance for introducing the practice of polyamory to Indians.