Ankita (name changed), an accomplished corporate lawyer in her 30s, admits she’s always been a worrier. After losing her father, however, she noticed a concerning change in herself. Gradually she couldn’t stand not knowing exactly where her husband was, or being away from him for long. “I dislike golf, but I accompany him to every weekend game,” she sighs. It got so bad that if she couldn’t immediately contact him at work, she would leave her office to find him, disrupting her daily routine and personal commitments. “I know I am behaving irrationally, but I cannot control myself,” she says.
This is how Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder may manifest. Separation anxiety is just what it sounds like: fear or distress over being separated from those you’re emotionally attached to. As kids, we have all yearned to stay close to our parents or primary caregivers 24/7 and cried when we had to be away from them even for a small period. But if those behaviours continue into late childhood and even adulthood, they can be classified as an anxiety disorder.
Dr Era Dutta, psychiatrist and founder of Mind Wellness India, explains, “Whilst in its truest sense we consider this a childhood diagnosis, it might spill over into adulthood for some. Especially those with a difficult childhood, trauma or attachment issues. As per the new guidelines of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it can be diagnosed at any age.” Adults with separation anxiety disorder have heightened, functionally impairing fears related to separation.
She continues, “The fear can be real or imagined; certainly exaggerated. The mind stays constantly on high alert: scanning, predicting and exaggerating every neutral situation. As a result, there is a surge of adrenaline and cortisol in the body, which is perceived as stress making the body more prone to infections. Commonly resulting in feeling on edge, problems thinking clearly, experiencing dry mouth, physical aches and headaches. The disorder is considered alarming when the gravity of the situation is so large that it starts to impact the person’s performance, living and all aspects of life.”
While it’s normal to be concerned about the wellbeing of loved ones, people with this disorder experience high levels of anxiety, and sometimes even panic attacks, when loved ones are out of reach. They might be socially withdrawn, or show extreme sadness or difficulty concentrating when away from loved ones. In parents, the disorder can lead to strict, over-involved parenting. In relationships, one might be more likely to be an overbearing partner.
Decoding the possible reasons behind this Dr Ishita Mukerji, psychologist and editorial board member of the American Journal of Health Research, explains, “Traumatic experiences can leave behind scars that make it hard to trust the world to keep you safe. This hyper-vigilance can easily translate into fear of being alone, requiring loved ones as a constant fortress against danger. Intrusive thoughts about loved ones getting hurt can feel like relentless storm clouds over sunny days.
Building secure attachments as an adult can be challenging. You might crave constant closeness to avoid the sting of abandonment, making separation feel unbearable. Folks with general anxiety or depression might be more prone to worrying about every little ‘what if’ when separated. Stressful life changes—a new job, a big move, new ventures—can throw our brains into overdrive, making us cling tighter to what feels familiar. Ultimately, it’s all about the fear of being alone.”
Separation anxiety can show up even without these pre-existing conditions. It’s all about how vulnerable our nervous system is at the moment and how much support we feel we need in the world. So, while underlying issues can act like amplifiers for separation anxiety, it’s not exclusive.
A study published in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders found that individuals with high levels of separation anxiety experienced significantly lower levels of life satisfaction and enjoyment compared to those free from it. “Constantly anticipating the pain of separation can steal the joy from the present moment. It’s like walking into a beautiful garden, only focusing on the possibility of a thorn prick, never actually smelling the roses,” Dr Mukerji says.
Challenge the Thought
Reality check: Ask yourself how likely is this belief actually true? Look for evidence to the contrary. Is your loved one usually safe? Do they take precautions?
Probability game: Think of a scale from 0 per cent (not happening) to 100 per cent (guaranteed). Where would you realistically place this thought’s chance of happening?
Acceptance and positive reframing: Acknowledge that separation is inevitable in life, but it doesn’t have to negate the good times. Accept that endings are part of the journey, and focus on making the most of the moments you have.
Shift the Focus
Mindfulness and grounding exercises: When the storm brews, anchor yourself in the present. Try sensory exercises like naming five things you see, hear, smell, or touch. Deep breathing also works wonders.
Distraction therapy: Engage your mind in something else so that your brain forgets about the irrational apprehensions.
Positive affirmations: Counter the negatives with realistic reassurances. Remind yourself of your loved one’s resilience, past good experiences, and the safety measures in place.
Talk it out: Sharing your intrusive thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can lighten the load