For as long as I can remember, I have tended to look for the positive in difficult situation. Moments of happiness, however small, shine through my memories whilst the darkest moments twist and blur together,” says Vanya Ramani, a 26-year-old architect from Mumbai.
Whenever things would go wrong, she consoled herself by saying, “Some people have it a lot worse than you do. Look at the brighter side and be grateful that you are alive. Besides, who wants a tale filled with miseries and darkness delivered with a side of trauma dumping?”
When Ramani began therapy last month, her psychologist helped her realise that what she has been experiencing is toxic positivity. “I could have become the poster child for toxic positivity,” she sighs, guilty of preaching the same to her loved ones.
While the concept of toxic positivity is not a formal diagnosis, it is a phenomenon commonly recognised and frequently discussed by mental health professionals. It refers to the individual or societal tendency to focus excessively on positive thinking while dismissing or invalidating authentic negative emotions. It involves the pressure to maintain a facade of constant happiness and optimism, even in the face of grief, challenges or genuine struggles.
Snehal Saraf, counselling psychologist and founder of Sneh Therapy, says, “The problem isn’t in the act of thinking positively, which of course, enhances our mental health. The toxicity lies in the over-imposition of positive thinking as a lifestyle. For example, when you are stressed due to work overload and I tell you not to be negative about it, rather be happy that you have work while many don’t. Look at the brighter side, I advise. Here, I dismiss, deny and trivialise your reality which in turn may make you feel invalidated or doubtful about your own experiences and reality.”
Constantly suppressing negative emotions or pretending to be happy despite challenges can contribute to chronic stress. High-stress levels trigger the release of cortisol. Prolonged exposure to elevated cortisol levels can have adverse effects such as impaired immune function, tension headaches, gastrointestinal problems, weight gain, and cardiovascular issues.
Dr Teena Augustine Joseph, senior psychotherapist and ex-head of training and development at Vandrevala Foundation, says, “Humans are often conditioned to put aside negative emotions and stay optimistic even when suffering. Disregarding the need to express uncomfortable and painful emotions is extremely detrimental to our wellbeing.”
Denying reality and creating a false narrative harms our mental and physical health in the long run. One of the major causes of anxiety, depression as well as low self-esteem is that we are not in touch with ourselves or have to suppress our feelings and thoughts to align with how others believe we should feel, think and see things.
She suggests Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy by Whitney Goodman as a great read for a better understanding of the concept. According to Goodman, “Healthy positivity means making space for both reality and hope. Toxic positivity denies an emotion and forces us to suppress it. When we use toxic positivity, we are telling ourselves and others that this emotion shouldn’t exist, it’s wrong, and if we try just a little bit harder, we can eliminate it entirely.”
Saraf explains, “Since toxic positivity comes with a ‘no-entry’ sign board for the so-called ‘negative emotions’, those emotions happen to go unacknowledged and unexpressed, often getting trapped deep within our system. These trapped emotions are like invisible wounds that can get easily activated by situations and people, knowingly or unknowingly. This results in a sensitive mind and body which is prone to triggers and disproportionately reactive to events.”
Suggesting some ways to steer away from toxic positivity, Joseph continues, “Identification, validation, or acknowledgement of one’s reality, emotions and life circumstances becomes crucial. Expanding your emotional vocabulary, recognising toxic positive statements, educating people who push them hard on us and admitting one is not alright are the next steps.
When we stop pretending and instead hold healthy conversations about our emotions, we automatically stand in a better position. We can then be available for others to open up and share their emotions without being judged.”
One must learn to break the dichotomy of good and bad emotions. All emotions are valid and welcome. Also, no emotion is final and permanent—our emotional landscape keeps shifting. The emotional system is complex and layered. All of them are acceptable and can coexist. This leads to healthy processing of all our experiences and a self-aware mind.
“When we think of a fulfilling life, we imagine it should be full of positivity only. However, a fulfilling life is a life full of all the emotions. Just like one cannot know of light without the knowledge of darkness, similarly, one cannot experience the entirety of joy without the knowledge of pain,” Saraf says. It’s the Yin and Yang of life that we need to gracefully embrace.