Karan (name changed), a 32-year-old entrepreneur, would check up on his partner’s ex every now and then, despite being in a secure and happy relationship for two years. “I don’t really know what I was looking for while stalking him, even though he doesn’t pose any threat to our relationship,” he says. Regardless, visions of them being madly in love kept popping into his mind. He’d disappear down rabbit holes, comparing himself to the ex and grilling his girlfriend about the past. “I did it so much that she saw it as a huge red flag and considered ending the relationship,” he says.
This phenomenon of being overly interested, envious and unhealthily preoccupied with a partner’s romantic history is known as Retroactive Jealousy (RJ), or ‘Rebecca syndrome’. It derives its name from Daphne du Maurier’s 1938 novel, in which the protagonist, Rebecca, fears she will never live up to her husband’s late wife. The concept of retroactive jealousy has found renewed popularity online.
Prachi S Vaish, a clinical psychologist specialising in dating, intimacy and relationships, says, “RJ happens in cases when new partners come across some old information or pictures from the partner’s past which triggers comparison.” Talking about, why some people experience retroactive jealousy and others don’t, Arouba Kabir, psychotherapist and founder of Enso Wellness, says, “Personality traits, such as self-esteem, confidence and resilience, play a huge role in our relationships. Those with lower self-esteem, abandonment fears or a tendency to compare themselves to others might be more susceptible to feeling jealous retroactively.”
Jealousy in general can prove to be a downbeat emotion that can attract a debilitating spiral of unproductive thoughts. Kabir continues, “RJ can promote feelings of insecurity, fear, comparison, and anxiousness, leading to negative thought patterns, like rumination and distrust. Also, when jealousy is not taken care of, it impacts the physical health as well, leading to muscle tension, increased heart rate, migraine and digestive issues. Prolonged jealousy can have a detrimental impact on our mental health.”
According to a 2018 study, researchers found that social networks have aggravated Rebecca syndrome through continuous stalking and comparison, allowing partners to fact-check past relationship details and access digital relationship remnants. Kabir explains, “Social media has exacerbated feelings of inadequacy and envy. Seeing the perfectly curated versions of people’s lives online leads to unrealistic comparisons.”
Taken to extremes, Rebecca syndrome can ruin one’s peace of mind and eventually destroy relationships. Mansi Poddar, psychotherapist and founder of Heal•Grow•Thrive Foundation, explains, “RJ is primarily driven by a person’s distress or perceived threat about their partner’s past romantic relationships. This can occur even if their partner is no longer in contact with their exes, and they are not interfering with the current relationship.” Suggesting ways to deal with it, she continues, “If the jealousy doesn’t result in toxic behaviours like distrust, control, isolation etc and is handled by both people with sensitivity and understanding, it will help the partners develop secure attachment.”
However, if retroactive jealousy becomes extreme and adversely affects the relationship, Poddar advises seeing a therapist who is trauma-trained and working through attachment traumas. She elaborates, “Most importantly, work at this as a couple instead of an individual. RJ can be a trigger for underlying perceptions of self-worth and beliefs of being unlovable and unworthy. This is a symptom of deeper wounds. A good place to start is by introspecting and working on our sense of self-worth and recognising the difference between reality-fuelled RJ vs fear-fuelled RJ.”
Agreeing that RJ is best resolved as a couple, Vaish resumes, “The first way to deal with this is by setting clear boundaries about what belongs in this relationship and what belonged in the past. The partner who is being questioned must firmly yet gently keep reinforcing that the past is not up for discussion as it does not add value to the current relationship. The other step is to try and elicit from the jealous partner what the significance of the past is for them. Rather than focusing on what they are asking, it needs to be understood, how it makes them feel. Say if it is a self-esteem issue, the partner (in a calm and understanding environment) might end up confessing that it makes them feel insecure that they won’t be able to make you as happy. Once this deeper belief has been uncovered, it would be a better idea to address this insecurity with love, compassion and gentle reassurance.”
It’s pivotal to handle these sensitive feelings with understanding and communication rather than judgment. Address and work on it so that you can put it to rest and focus on cherishing your present relationship.
Common signs
● Increased frequency of questions about the past
● Conducting internet searches on partner’s exes and stalking old posts on social media
● Comparison between present and past relationship
● Sudden sulkiness and withdrawal from their partner
● Finding new faults in the current partner