Love is the biggest word in the dictionary of mankind. It is the very basis of human kind, as it were. The natural bonding between man and woman, between people is the basis of society as we know it and it has survived only on account of this critical adhesive called love.
But what does love mean? And more importantly, what does it mean for you? In all my years of exploration, I have also found that the word love is hugely misunderstood, mostly mistaken for a lot of other things. This, in my opinion, is the root of corruption in our relationships, stress, friction and frustration. Think about it like this: at the basest level, we equate love with exclusion. I am yours. You are mine. Only mine. Heard that before? Of course, because everyone tells you that love is central to yourself, your own need and in an exclusive relationship to the others need as well. But that is reducing love to a transaction, a give and take, a barter.
Think again, and the world will tell you that love is also the reason most people are sad, depressed, lonely or angry. When you lose what you know as love, these are the emotions it generates and that should be the first sign to you that love cannot be this exclusive arrangement between you, your lover, your wife and family. Now while all that is true, filial love, the love between parent and child, between man and woman or siblings are all manifestations of the essential material, but the limitations imposed on it by us is what corrodes the original, natural texture of love.
Love is, should be, unconditional. If not, it brings pain. Allow yourself to explore all your feelings around the word ‘love’. Some will be happy, some more sad or full of regret. I’m not saying dwell on the unhappiness but accept it and then allow yourself to move on from these old patterns of feeling.
Anything can happen today and tomorrow, so don’t label yourself but perhaps take a few lessons with you and give yourself the chance to heal. Alongside love, feelings of fear and vulnerability are natural. Fear is an ally of the ego, constantly trying to keep the status quo, keep things nice and tidy and just as they are, rather than opening up to new and unknown possibilities. Vulnerability can actually be a very good thing if we look at it in that way. It accepts that the future is uncertain, it is very honest, very human. If we can learn over time to embrace our vulnerability, we will be less likely to put up those barriers that prevent true love from getting a look-in. How we define or see love is a part of our self-image.
So many people describe themselves in terms of love: “I will never find love”, “I always get rejected in the end”, “I just want to be loved”. These are the patterns of thought that our ego creates to keep us where we are, trapped in our beliefs. Or we find love and then the fear sets in that we might lose it, or it’s not quite perfect. We try to control it and once you try to control love, it can never be true. Love is freedom; love is taking a chance.
If we can develop mutual respect, then loving kindness will naturally blossom. For me, this is the beauty of spirituality, the bottom line.
Right now we are not making it easy on ourselves to nurture respect and kindness. The world is set up in such a way that we are told we must consume everything; we cut down trees in the blink of an eye that may have taken many decades or even centuries to grow, just for a bit of energy.
We raise animals for an ever-increasing appetite for meat instead of living alongside them eating a few eggs or drinking a little milk here and there. We have fallen into a pattern of using and abusing each other to get our own way; we really have been taught to be selfish, because we fear it is either that or we will be left behind while others gather up all the riches.
As you develop your compassionate mind, you begin to have the confidence to try a different way; to know that all those times you show respect or act with kindness are worth so much more than striving to compete and stressing for success. Meditation and contemplation help us to counteract this attitude and gradually develop our selflessness. And love, at its purest, is selflessness when aplied to all. The author is the spiritual head of the 1,000-year-old Drukpa Order based in the Himalayas