Expectations are ‘premeditated resentments’. The word ‘premeditated’ is often used in cricket, such as ‘the premeditated shot’.
It means that even before the bowler has delivered the ball, the batsman has decided on a particular shot he is going to play. This often gets the batsman into trouble and eventually gets him out because the bowler might be thinking differently. When our expectations do not match our reality, we face problems.
Expectations are what we think will happen, while reality is what transpires. Though we hope these two will be the same, often, they are not. This disparity of expectations versus reality can lead to feelings of discontentment and unhappiness. Invariably we resent the person who fails to fulfil our expectations or we feel helpless and angry.
What do we do now?
Human beings have emotions and, more than anything else, need love and affection from others to survive. Thus expectations cannot completely vanish from our hearts. But the reality must not be forgotten either.
Here are some principles that can help us navigate the realm of expectations. Communicate clearly: Unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. Talking openly about what we expect from the other person might improve our chances of fulfilment. Communicate your needs gently. Each person is unique. Some are very sensitive and some are extremely carefree. The sensitive one might need an explicit expression of affection from others, but the other person might have an entirely opposite personality. The person could be a well-wisher, but may not understand our needs. In all cases, let us not assume that just because we are close to a person, they are aware of our needs. At the same time, it is unrealistic to think that merely communicating our expectations clearly will get people to behave as we want them to. But without communicating, there is no chance at all.
Do not expect the same level of intimacy in every relationship: One of the biggest mistakes or illusions is to expect the same kind of experience in every relationship: husband, wife, friends, family, relatives, colleagues and society. Not all relationships are the same, so the level of commitment, intimacy and tolerance will differ. Accepting the reality will reduce our pain by almost 70-80 percent. With some, we could be close, while with others, we could just do the needful.
Learn to accept others as they are: Accept the reality that everybody is different and fighting their own battle. Learning to accept people the way they are opens a whole new dimension of peace. Instead of feeling miserable, we enjoy the variety that is present in the world. God has made everyone
a unique individual. Not even identical twins are the same. Accept and respect everyone for who they are. After all, why should someone try to live their life our way? Would we ourselves ever do the same?
Focus on what is within control: The only thing within our control is our actions, behaviour, growth and response to various events in life. Lord Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita (2.47) says:
karmanye vadhikaraste,
ma phaleshou kada chana,
ma karma phala hetur bhurmatey
sangostva akarmani
Do your duty but be detached from the result. Why? Because the result will follow its own course as destiny is also a big player. Hence, focusing on the effort and our duties (things we can control) will save us from unwarranted stress.
Lower your expectations:
Expecting less from others or ourselves can provide immediate relief. There will always be people who will criticise us, but there will also be people who praise us; there will be people who give us happiness and there will be people who will make us sad; there will be times when we will earn a profit, and there will be times when we will lose. The idea of leading a good life is to understand that the world is full of such dualities, and there will be times when our expectations will differ from reality.
Keep a variety of options ready: Sometimes expectations only focus on one outcome, and when it is not met, we feel disappointed. Usually, there are several ways to achieve a goal.
We must try to find new ways to fulfil our wishes.
Keep investing: The lord has created this universe in such a way that if we do good to others, goodness will be returned to us and if we hurt others, that pain will also come back to us. Hence, one should continue investing well even if we do not get back as returns from the same person. The problem is that we expect returns from the person in whose life we have invested. And when we do not get what we want, we feel disappointed. The law of karma is that if we do good to someone, that goodness will come back to us, though it may not necessarily be from the same source. If we hurt someone, the other person may not be able to hurt us back. But the pain we have caused someone will undoubtedly come back to us from a source which is in a position to hurt us. So we must keep up the good work even if we do not see immediate results.
We do good because we are good. The way we treat others is a statement about us. And the way others treat us is a statement about them.
(Excerpted with permission from A Monk’s Almanac: Life Sutras for Troubled Times by Nityanand Charan Das, published by HarperCollins India)