Remember to take nothing personally
In the late 1990s, two Laotian men walked into a Los Angeles bar where an Asian singer performed. After occupying their seats, they felt like sitting more comfortably and spreading their legs but did not realise that their feet were pointing towards the singer.
When the bar closed, she followed them to the parking lot and expressed displeasure. Instead of admitting their mistake and apologising, the tourists started quarrelling with her. As the altercation turned ugly, the singer took out her revolver and killed one of them.
Perhaps this tragedy could have been averted had the lady not taken the two men’s behaviour so personally and left them after expressing her displeasure.
Similarly, the two men could have said that they did not mean any insult to her and apologised to assuage her feelings of hurt, but they did not. Why? Like most people, the two men and the lady could not separate people from their unpleasant words or behaviours and took these personally.
People often suffer more from their reactions and the negative emotions accompanying them than from others’ behaviours that evoke these. Shifting your focus from judging what others are doing to you to observing how you respond to it and not taking anything personally can avert many undesirable consequences.
There will undoubtedly be times when others may misperceive who we are, misunderstand our intentions or motives, and knowingly or unknowingly say and do things that hurt us. Unless we distance ourselves from our ideas, beliefs, and behaviours (and separate others from theirs) and train ourselves to take nothing personally, we will feel attacked whenever our opinions or ideas are contradicted.
Unfortunately, most people are like ghostly gramophones playing and replaying the records of unconscious habits. They are oblivious to their behaviour the way a sleeping infant is when he kicks in her mother’s face while sleeping by her side.
People’s behaviour reflects how their unconscious mind is programmed and how they have learnt to interpret life’s experiences and express, respond to, or fulfil a need. It says a lot about what they have gone through and what life has taught them, but nothing about you.
Most meaningful discussions are either not initiated, aborted midway, or end unpleasantly while adversely impacting relationships because we are too attached to and inflexibly sure of our views. We have an evolutionary need to win arguments and prove our views and opinions factually or morally more correct, even when they may be wrong or ill-informed. As a result, we fritter away most learning opportunities.
Driving a wedge between us and our ideas, beliefs, or opinions (or whatever else we say after the words “my” or “our”) and not taking anything personally is being kind to ourselves and others. It can shield us from unnecessary mental stress, preserve relationships, and help us maintain mental peace and sanity. It can also help us steer discussions to their conclusive ends, accelerate our learning process, and help build a more peaceful world.
While waiting for a friend who was to pick me up in his car, I noticed a boy from a nearby slum carrying a ball. He looked forlorn and was perhaps searching for a companion to play with. After hesitation, finding no one else around, he finally asked whether I would play with him. We started playing. Suddenly, the ball fell into the slush and got plastered with mud. The boy picked it up, and before I could ask him not to throw it at me, he, unmindful of my well-ironed, nice clothes, had already aimed. Realising that my clean shirt would get ruined, I quickly jumped aside and allowed the ball to fall safely by my side.
Sometimes, when people are stressed, in a bad mood, or in the throes of any negative emotion, they tend to look for a willing partner who could be provoked so that they can freely exchange their negativity with him. At such times, howsoever subtle and irresistibly tempting the invitation may be, we should be alert enough not to catch the dirty ball they throw at us. While empathising with them, jump aside mentally and let it fall. Be kind to yourself and emerge emotionally untouched and wiser from such situations. Humility protects us from humiliation.
Delay your response by giving yourself time to reflect on what you saw or heard. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. If nothing works, imagine yourself in your offender’s place and remind yourself that you wouldn't be doing anything different with the same life journey behind you. People are like sponges; they absorb and become whatever they see, hear, read, feel, and react to more frequently in their life journey.
So, in each moment, be careful what you pay attention to, react to, and permit yourself to absorb.
Anil Bhatnagar is a corporate trainer, motivational speaker, and the author of Reverse Your Thoughts, Reverse Your Diseases and several other books.
Email: thrive.ab@gmail.com