A repartee is a quick, witty, sharp, clever reply or retort, especially one that is amusing or insulting, often deflating a rival. Winston Churchill was noted for his repartees. One of the greatest of all repartee involves Churchill and Lady (Nancy) Astor, the first female MP. Once at a dinner party, she got annoyed at an inebriated Churchill and blurted out, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your tea.” Churchill’s famous response, “Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
Another Churchill repartee involves the female MP, Bessie Braddock. At a party, she reproached an inebriated Churchill, “Winston, you are drunk”; to which pat came the reply, “You’re right, Bessie. And you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.” Once in the parliament, a member was speaking, “I see the honourable member (Churchill) shaking his head, but I am saying my own opinion”. Churchill remarked, “I am shaking my own head.”(I heard this from my father and so it cannot be apocryphal.)
In his book Great Contemporaries, Churchill rated Frederic Edwin Smith, first Earl of Birkenhead as a master of repartees. Once in the honourable court, Judge Willis said, “Mr Smith, have you ever heard of a saying by Bacon — the great Bacon — that youth and discretion are ill-wedded companions?” “Yes, I have”, came the instant response, “And have you ever heard of a saying by Bacon — the great Bacon — that a much talking judge is like an ill-tuned cymbal?” The judge exclaimed, “You are extremely offensive, young man”; to which Smith retorted, “As a matter of fact, we both are; but I am trying to be and you cannot help it.” The judge asked, “Mr Smith, what do you think I am on the bench for?”, the rejoinder, “It is not for me, your honour, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.”
Then there was the famous exchange of telegrams between George Bernard Shaw and Churchill. Shaw informed, “Reserving two tickets for my premiere for you, bring a friend, if you have one”. Churchill shot back, “Unable to be present for the premiere. Will attend second, if there is one.” Talking of Shaw reminds me of another repartee. Once an actress expressed her desire to marry Shaw, “With your brains and my beauty, we could have a most wonderful child”. Shaw quipped, “What if the child gets your brains and my beauty?”
Here is another one involving Shaw. Cornelia Otis Skinner won critical acclaim in the lead role of Shaw’s play Candida. Shaw cabled, “Excellent. Greatest.” Skinner, overjoyed, replied, “Undeserving such praise.” Shaw cabled back, “I meant the play.” Pat came the reply, “So did I.” Here is one from the ‘Master of Suspense’ — Alfred Hitchcock. While posing for publicity photographs for his famous film Lifeboat, actress Mary Anderson asked Hitchcock, “Mr Hitchcock, what is my best side?” “My dear, you are sitting on it,” replied Hitchcock.
Here is one from Oscar Wilde, who was noted for his wit. Once addressing an audience, he boasted, “I can talk on any subject.” From the audience a heckler shouted, “The Queen.” Wilde, without missing a beat, replied, “The Queen is not a subject.” While travelling to New York, the US Customs asked him whether he has anything to declare. His famous reply, “I have nothing to declare except my genius.” This one is from a US President, the taciturn Calvin Coolidge (Silent Cal). Once at a party a lady told him, “I made a bet that I could get more than two words from you, so please speak up.” He spoke up, “You lose.”
Another one from another President, John F Kennedy. John and his father, Joseph, were sitting side by side in chairs, watching his daughter Caroline playing. The elder Kennedy said, “Jack, Caroline’s very bright — smarter than you were at that age.” Jack Kennedy replied, “Yes, she is — look who she has for a father.” When Abraham Lincoln was running for the US Senate, his opponent Stephen Douglas called Lincoln, a “two-faced man”. Lincoln retorted, “If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?” On another occasion, Douglas accused Lincoln of selling whisky, to which Lincoln replied, “What Mr Douglas said is true. In those days, Mr Douglas was one of my best customers. I have since left my side of the counter, while Mr Doulas sticks to his.” Here is one from our own Mahatma Gandhi. Once when he went to London to meet the British authorities, a reporter yelled out, “What do you think of western civilisation?” Gandhi famously said, “I think it would be a good idea.”
gkanchery@asianetindia.com