A tongue-in-cheek look at the goings-on during a Cabinet meet at 7, RCR
It’s 5.55 pm. Swank sedans with red disco-lights on top glide past the security gate. The party...er… a crucial meeting of the Union Cabinet is about to begin. No one is in a party mood. The petrol bomb is a dampening squib on the UPA mind.
The Man-at-the-helm, the stoic-faced Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, goes over each agenda paper. He asks the Minister of State in the PMO which item will be taken up first. V Narayanasamy replies: “Sir...I...forgot to memorise...” The PM mutters, “Energy Security.” Swamy replies, “Yes Sir, Yes Sir... all files full...’’
The ministers troop in. Montek Singh Ahluwalia walks in alone, sweating from the overheated economy.
M K Alagiri is “absent as usual”, smirks Sriprakash Jaiswal. Quips Jairam Ramesh: “His party’s Leader is protesting the petrol attack.” Alagiri has sent in an apology; he is on “a strict diet”. Mukul Roy’s chair is empty, too. Under the Imperial Order of the Didi of Kolkota, he’s leading a demo in Kolkata against “the betrayal of the janogan by the Monmohon Shingho Cabinet”. He is on leave from the Cabinet to protest against his own Cabinet. The former Railway Minister was ordered to quit in protest against his own Rail Budget. TMC needs to be in a constant state of protest. Something better be wrong!
The man of the hour, Jaipal Reddy, intones in measured but booming, quasi-Victorian English tones, “Dear fellow Cabineteers, insofar as we are constrained to stall the humongous hemorrhaging being suffered by oil companies on a daily basis, we have to not only stick to our guns and keep the price of petrol up, we have to load our cannons and increase the prices of diesel, cooking gas and kerosene ASAP.’’
Jaiswal can neither jive extempore nor memorise, so he holds up a long sheet of paper. “Dear peers, forget about oil. It is causing much political backlash, which is why we lost the UP elections. Let’s focus on coal.’’ With a flourish, he shows the Coal Regulatory Authority Bill. “I plan to present it during the Monsoon session.’’ As he surveys the faces around the table, his droning monotone picks up again. “The regulator will provide a push for increasing production, conduct inspections at mining sites, monitor washeries and set standards for grading. ....” Kapil Sibal has zoned out; he wants to compose a new poem on his iPhone, but inspiration hasn’t struck. Ghulam Nabi Azad is daydreaming about a childhood cricket match in Doda. Jaiswal drones on: “So, Coal India will continue to decide on price changes, as is done now.’’ Salman Khurshid is yawning. The Cabinet perspires in dread as Jaiswal attempts to read out the whole draft. P Chidambaram butts in: “Sriprakash, your Page 3, para 5, check after line 6, it does not make sense. It has not been made clear whether the Sasan case will be the benchmark for other projects, you have to explain, bhai! By the way, when will our surplus coal policy be ready?’’
Jaiswal looks up bewildered. “We do not have any final view on that as of now. In future, decisions will be taken according to the new policy.’’
“Well, Sriprakash, when will the surplus coal policy be ready?’’ By now, Environment Minister Jayanti Natarajan sits up, “Jaiswalji, how can set up a Coal Authority without informing the Environment Ministry? If coalwallahs decide where to do mining, what will we do? Manmohanji, please shut down the Environment Ministry, so that I can go back to being the Congress party spokesperson....’’
Pranab Mukherjee intervenes, cutting short the bickering: “Keep quiet! Commercial exploitation of coal in India was started nearly 220 years ago by John Summers of the East India Company in Raiganj district. It has been going on since then...’’ Petroleum Minister Reddy interjects: “The energy derived from coal in India is about twice the energy derived from oil. But, dear fellow Cabineteers, we cannot stop importing oil....’’
Jaiswal puts his bifocals back and resumes his reading. “Jaiswalji, we’ve heard that already, you’re past that,’’ cries out Khurshid, panic-stricken. “But I have not finished reading...” a perplexed Jaiswal points out, “Shall I start again?”
Jairam interrupts, “It may a better idea to get coal mining companies to employ rural-tribal women in mining and bring them under MGNREGA.” Montek butts in: “Remember, CAG has criticised surplus coal given to Sasan Ultra Mega Project. When you present your bill, Parliament will ask why Coal India was not allowed to use surplus coal...’’
Jaiswal, first looks lost. Suddenly he has an epiphany: “There was no policy to give surplus coal to Coal India. If there had been a policy, we could have given it to them.” The FM chuckles: “Ah, taking coal to Newcastle!” This is too much for Jaiswal and he gives up dolefully, closing his file.
The Man speaks up at last, like the Aap ki Adalat judge: “So, refer it to an EGoM.’’ You can hear a Bill drop.
The PM and his Cabinet rise and depart in neat formations.
The next day’s editorials screamed: “Mr PM, why have you set up yet another EGOM? There’s already one which authorised coal diversion to Sasan...’’
‘How unfair!’ mutter the mantris, ‘The media has become too empowered. The next day, Kapil Sibal advocates at the GoM media meet, “Maybe we need a GoM to regulate media coverage,. “Over my dead body!” snarles Ambika Soni. “If you want to snatch the freedom of press, get another I&B Minister...’’
Somewhere in the labyrinth of the South Block, Dr M is wondering why he doesn’t have any freedom left.