The patient was agitated and furious, repeatedly asking how he could end the relationship after two years. She demanded explanations.
She believed she could fix her faults and win the relationship back. He had blocked all communication and attempts to reach him.
When asked what she actually wanted to tell him, she had a list of questions:
When did you start thinking about breaking up? Did you ever really love me? Were you ever committed? Did you leave because you found someone better? What are my faults? Am I unlovable or intolerable? Why didn’t you tell me your concerns so I could change? Would you reconsider if I did?
The questions kept coming, laden with tears and anger. He may not have had clear answers. Even if he did, her grief was too intense for her to take them in.
GET READY FOR CLOSURE
This illustrates a breakup — the termination of a romantic relationship. It happens when partners mutually agree to end the relationship, or when one partner ends it alone. Nowadays, Malayalis call the latter ‘theppu’. Very often, breakups happen without healthy closure.
Closure is a critical component of healing after a relationship ends. Without it, individuals can remain trapped in cycles of confusion, pain, and unresolved questions that harm their well-being.
Parting ways as good friends can be one possible outcome of healthy closure. Ideally, a mutual breakup happens through calm discussions where both parties give each other space for a closure talk.
TIPS FOR A CLOSURE TALK
Think about how the talk might affect you and your partner emotionally. Make sure you are ready for it.
Choose a neutral place where both of you can talk without interruptions.
Share how you feel and what you need. Listen carefully and avoid accusations.
Aim for honest, thoughtful answers that help you understand.
Try to see the situation from your partner’s point of view.
If the talk gets too painful or goes nowhere, it is okay to end it without fury or fire. Allow yourself time to reflect on what was discussed.
Don’t expect all the answers. A closure talk is only one step in the healing process.
MANAGE THE TURBULENT MIND
If there is no chance of reconnecting after discussions, tune your mind toward accepting the breakup.
Negative emotions can escalate into serious mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or revenge-seeking anger that requires professional care.
Closure means working through feelings, challenging unhelpful thoughts, and deciding how to move on.
RESOLUTION OF GRIEF
Loss of a relationship can feel similar to bereavement. A grieving mind often looks for futile ways to reconnect.
It is important to accept the reality of the loss and re-engage with life without that person. The desire to fill the void should not push you into a rebound relationship, which can be disastrous.
A rebound relationship is a new romantic connection started shortly after a breakup, before the grief has been processed in a healthy way.
Clearing up confusion related to the breakup is important. The goal of finding logical answers should be to improve your interpersonal relationship skills, not to satisfy a wounded ego or assign blame to the person who rejected you.
CLOSURE IS A PERSONAL MISSION
Sensible, unbiased self-reflection may be needed because healthy closure is a personal mission. Recognise that certain aspects of the relationship and breakup are beyond your control.
That realisation helps you refocus on what you can control: your reactions, thoughts, and future journey in life.
Try writing a closure document —journaling helps you work through the pain and helps in moving on.
LETTING GO OF ANGER
Healthy closure involves letting go of anger and resentment towards both your ex-partner and yourself. It does not mean excusing or forgetting the hurt.
It is a process that facilitates self-discovery. It instils the strength needed to move on without the person who left the relationship.
Work toward better self-care and personal growth.
There is a need to activate the energy required to rebuild a damaged sense of self. Healthy closure transforms the insecurity of rejection into security grounded in self-realisation.
Those who do not achieve proper closure may continue to suffer and can fall into the trap of mental health problems.
Remember that there is life left even after a breakup. Why ruin it?
The writer is senior consultant psychiatrist at Medical Trust Hospital, Kochi, and former member of State Mental Health Authority.