Life ceased to have any meaning for me. I guess that usually happens when you have nothing to live for. I lost my parents at a very young age. Growing up, all I felt was sorrow and loneliness. I was desperate for a human connection and all I saw was a void. My older brother, who used to be a typist at the High Court, too had passed away early. There was nothing that appeased me anymore. I think that is what drove me towards eating ghutka. The floating sensation and the taste can get quite addictive. I had built this fortress of comfort around me and in my naivety thought that this would bring me solace.
Like all young ambitious men, I too had a dream. But, my world was soon shattered and I saw all my dreams and aspirations slipping away right before my eyes.
It all began in the year 1986. I was a B.Com fresher, when the new improvised version of ghutka was introduced. Soon, I succumbed to its sweet fragrance and taste. I got so addicted to the substance that at one point I realised that I needed it for me to survive. My existence had finally found some meaning, I felt. And, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I continued eating ghutka till 2010 despite undergoing a gall bladder operation in 2009. I just couldn’t stop myself. My heart wanted to but my body refused to listen to my mind. Soon, I found myself hopping from one hospital to the other. I started developing white patches on my tongue and had to undergo immediate treatment. In a sad twist of fate, the doctor failed to mention the reason behind these patches. And, needless to say, I never stopped or hesitated to continue eating ghutka.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, every strand of happiness that I was desperately hooked on to my entire life, came to a standstill. I didn’t know what to do and I never felt more petrified. In 2011, I underwent a minor operation by an eminent oncologist in the city.
He advised me to start chemotherapy. Unfortunately, my ordeal didn’t end there. I thought the pain would consume me and at times I desperately wished everything would come to an end. I longed for peace. I couldn’t bear the suffering anymore.
On December 29, 2012, I had to undergo a major operation. And, that gave me hope and renewed my faith in life.
Currently, I am under observation and have been getting treated once in a month or so. Today, I live with my two sisters who have been pillars of strength all my life.
I thought it was my loneliness that would destroy me but it is my addiction that almost killed me. Since, our family comes from an agricultural background, we couldn’t afford the treatment. I had set up a small Xerox shop at Doddaballapur that had to be sold. Today, I might have no money but I think I have finally found my peace. All I can do is hope for a better tomorrow.
‘There can be no dream left’
I was an active flyer. Back in the sixties, the air crew would smoke all the time and the crew room would always be hazy and smoky. No one was really aware of passive smoking back then. I wonder if that term even existed in the 60s. At least, I had never heard of it.
Ten years ago, I developed hoarseness in my voice and had difficulty speaking. Soon, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was a victim of passive smoking. Every one has to suffer one way or the other. That is the rule of life. No one is spared.
So, I neither feel dejected nor betrayed. I suffered because of someone else’s vices. Today, at the age of 78, a retired Wg Cdr of IAF, I have settled down in the garden city. And, all I am left with is just acceptance.
All my children are abroad and I am a widower. The question of family support never arose. I had to manage everything on my own. I never had any problem doing that.
If you don’t learn to support yourself, then how can you expect your family to support you?
I feel tobacco should be banned completely. No one will miss it if it does not exist.
It is an evil that we can and should do without. It is about time that tobacco becomes history. Today, several youngsters are ruining their lives by smoking. It will hit them sooner or later that tobacco is out to destroy them. I read about the pros and cons of tobacco affliction on the Internet. I don’t think it is all that difficult to quit if you make up your mind.
I cannot tell you or describe how my journey has been so far. But, at no point of time, I gave up hope. Never did and nor will now. Moreover, my doctors were extremely supportive and they never let me give up even if I wanted to.
At 78, I realise that there can be no dreams left. Soon, it has to be a long ‘dreamless’ sleep! A surety for all.