Everyone wants to be loved. But nobody knows how to love.
My understanding of love came from Bollywood. Which basically meant doing crazy things. Running in the rain. Fighting someone. Writing letters with red ink and claiming it blood. Basically doing tricks like a monkey in a circus.
Then a song came into my life: ‘What is love? Baby don’t hurt me.’
I thought maybe that’s it. Love means just don’t beat the woman. Of course I was way off, but if you look at the data of many marriages in India, just not being terrible makes you shine like a piece of mirror in a dustbin. Doesn’t mean you’re fine. It just means others are worse.
Then another song came into my life. John Mayer.
He said love is a verb. It’s not a thing.
Verb? Noun? By the time I went back to school and learnt the difference between noun and verb, the girl graduated and left.
Recently I saw a post shared by the girl I was supposed to love.
There are five love languages. Apparently simpler than C++, Java, Kannada or Marathi. Still, clearly we have failed. You me and million of other folks on planet earth.
First one: Words of affirmation
Encouragement. Compliments. ‘I’m proud of you.’ ‘I love you.’
This comes very easy in the first few months. You’re throwing compliments like a farmer in harvest season throwing seeds.
But five years of affirmation? Very difficult.
Saying ‘I love you’ feels like the words are climbing Mount Everest. They need oxygen and support.
Also you can’t stick to the same compliments. You can’t keep saying ‘wow you’re so cute’ for two years and then be like wow I’m such a good lover.
Second: Acts of service
Making coffee. Doing things. Actions.
But in India this is a whole different issue. Maybe this category should be removed for women.
Culturally and patriarchally, they are already used to doing acts of service. Your mom did it. Your girlfriend does it. Your wife will do it. Your daughter will do it.
If you’re a man, things are just done for you. You’re expected to take care of rice, dal and rent.
You think you’re doing fine. One day everyone leaves and you’re like, ‘Hey but I was busy working.’
Not enough bro. You watched IPL and followed Bihar elections closely. You had time.
Third: Receiving gifts
Very easy to associate with money. You might think once I get rich I’ll be better at this. But Jeff Bezos got divorced. He owned Amazon. He wasn’t short of cash or products.
Also gentle reminder: you are never the gift. Don’t put a ribbon on your head and show up.
If you’re poor, learn poetry. That helps.
Fourth: Quality time
By the fourth point I already feel like I’ve lost this battle. Which was again not difficult. All you had to say was yes.
It’s known you are bad at this, so the girl usually makes the plan. Just saying yes would have fixed it.
But no. We still come up with prehistoric ideas like going to friends’ houses and playing video games.
Fifth: Touch
This should be the easiest one of all.
But if you make it all about yourself, might as well sit at home and open incognito mode. You don’t need another human.
Have a good Valentine’s Day.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)