Intrigue and fear, in equal parts, was sparked by the release of psychological drama You on Netflix a few years ago. It featured an obsessive man committing a series of murders to win the attention of his love interests. Many were quick to label the character a psychopath, but mental health practitioners were convinced of narcissistic traits. Instead of being grandiose and showcasing exaggerated self-esteem and entitlement, the man adopts a victim stance to gain sympathy and manipulate people—the classic narcissistic victim.
“The term victim narcissism is used to describe an individual who displays narcissistic traits with a portrayal of victimhood in situations. These individuals show characteristics like grandiosity, entitlement, and preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power, success, beauty or intelligence. At the same time, they try and come across as victims to others’ abuse or actions,” shares Ruchi Ruuh, a Delhi-based relationship counsellor.
Typically, such individuals refuse to acknowledge or take responsibility for anything that goes wrong. “By adopting a victim mentality, they create scenarios where others feel compelled to offer support, further boosting the narcissist’s self-esteem. This tactic allows them to maintain control over their perspectives, painting others as aggressors and positioning themselves as sufferers,” says Devisha Batra, senior psychologist at IWill, a leading digital and AI-based mental health and wellness platform.
At times, however, such persons may resort to extreme aggression. In the journal Psychological Bulletin published by the American Psychological Association in 2021, researchers Sophie L Kjærvik and Brad J Bushman found that narcissism is related to a 21 per cent increase in aggression and an 18 per cent increase in violence. “Such individuals often display aggression when threatened or provoked, like being ignored or when receiving negative feedback. When a narcissist’s beliefs about their perceived importance are challenged, they will ‘blow up’ to deviate attention from the underlying issue,” adds Batra.
Those who exhibit traits of victim narcissism are generally influenced by a combination of psychological, environmental and genetic factors. “It’s important to know that this disorder exists on a spectrum and not everyone displays all traits,” says Ruuh. Among the many reasons like abuse, culture and environment, childhood experiences play a crucial role in shaping one’s personality. When children are given inconsistent or excessive praise, or face neglect or constant criticism, they develop narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism to deal with or compensate for the love and nurturing.
“Narcissism helps people protect their feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. They mask their insecurities by projecting an inflated sense of self-importance. Many people also adopt these traits as manipulation by portraying themselves as victims to seek attention, sympathy or control over others,” says Ruuh, adding that these individuals may also appear as saviours or rescuers to take advantage of others. Those who exhibit victim narcissism struggle to build and sustain genuine and meaningful relationships with others. They also find themselves isolated, since they push most of their true connections away.
“They tend to exhaust people mentally and emotionally or frustrate them with constant manipulation. Many people with this personality also find it hard to sustain a healthy career as they lack collaborative skills or have difficulty handling criticism,” says Ruuh. Most relationships with a person with victim narcissism can be challenging as they lack complete insight and empathy for other people’s feelings. If one wants to be, or is in a relationship with someone who has this personality disorder, it is important to establish boundaries around how much they can help and support these individuals.
“It is important to have open communication about these subjects and perhaps seek professional help from a therapist if it impacts your relationship. Remember you need to set boundaries for your mental health so that you aren’t drained of all energy,” reiterates Shahzeen Shivdasani, relationship expert and author of Love, Lust and Lemons. As victim narcissists thrive on power struggles and manipulation, it is essential for their partners not to give in to conflicts or arguments. Instead, maintaining one’s stance or taking a break from the situation is a better move. Furthermore, journaling one’s thoughts and feelings is also an effective tool to deal with such individuals. “Since they portray themselves as victims, they distort facts, events and dynamics to make themselves look better. Making notes can help in avoiding rationalising their behaviour. It also helps in de-associating and not drawing any meaning from their actions or conversations,” advises Batra.
All in all, those with victim narcissism live in a world of fantasy where they are victims of everything around them. “Knowing the reality will help you stay grounded, preventing you not to feel excessive guilt, shame or manipulation,” concludes Ruuh.