Do couples want children? For some, it is social pressure. Society expects married couples to have a child within a “reasonable” time. The quiet questions at family functions, the raised eyebrows from friends and relatives, and the subtle pity directed at a childless couple — all of it can trigger frustration, shame and even depression. For many, having children feels like an unspoken clause in the marriage contract. For others, it comes from a genuine desire to nurture, guide and watch a life grow.
Core competencies
For many, parenting is reduced to providing food, clothing, shelter and education. But parenting is far more than that. To be a good parent, certain competencies are essential.
Willingness to spend quality time together
Children need quality time, through which they develop a sense of being listened to, loved and cared for. Set aside time exclusively for your child. Weave meaningful interactions into the child’s daily routines. Follow the child’s lead. A few moments of warm engagement at home can matter more than hours spent on outings where you are mentally absent. Quality time, coupled with generous appreciation for good behaviour, makes a difference and facilitates the child’s self-discovery.
Ability to regulate emotions
Children will disobey. They will lie. They will struggle with studies and test every boundary. It is natural to feel angry. But dumping that stress on the child teaches them nothing except fear or anger.
When you regulate your emotions and respond calmly, you model self-control and create space for sensible discipline and guidance. Children who grow up without a listening ear at home seek validation elsewhere. Often, they find it in problem behaviours or unhealthy friendships.
Skill to see through the child’s eyes
An adult mind judges quickly: “This is silly.” “You are overreacting.” “It’s not a big deal.” But to the child, the hurt is real. Understanding experiences from their perspective prevents emotional distance. Without this, attachment becomes insecure.
Strength to teach delayed gratification
“I want it now.” Every parent has heard it. When denied, children may throw tantrums or make accusations. Giving in simply to avoid a scene robs the child of frustration tolerance.
If every desire is met instantly, the child never learns to wait, cope or manage disappointment.
Help the child develop the ability to handle life’s inevitable “no’s”. Saying no, when it is logical and warranted, thus becomes an expression of love and good parenting.
Clarity to set firm limits
A home without clear, psychologically sound rules becomes chaotic. Set boundaries, explain them and enforce consequences consistently. This is how character is built. Children raised with inconsistent discipline often grow up with little respect for rules, principles or other people’s boundaries.
Openness to critically analyse self
Times change. Children change. Strategies that worked a generation ago may need to be revised. Reflect on how your behaviour affects your child. Create space for open dialogue. Ask, listen and be willing to refine your approach. Avoid comparisons; they damage rather than motivate.
Patience to let the child navigate through life
When your child struggles with a difficult homework problem, a friendship issue or a failure, the instinct is to step in and fix it immediately. Resist. Stand nearby, but let them think for themselves and manage age-appropriate challenges. This is how self-efficacy and real-life problem-solving skills are built.
Intent to create happy memories
Adults with dysfunctional personality traits often trace their struggles back to unhappy childhood experiences. It therefore matters to consciously fill a child’s life with joyful, shared moments. This does not require expensive holidays or fancy dinners. It can be as simple as playing a board game, reading together at bedtime or laughing over a silly mistake. These small, intentional or spontaneous moments become the memories a child carries for life. Their value is immeasurable.
Are you ready to be a parent?
Before choosing parenthood, honestly evaluate your competencies. If you identify gaps, work to build those skills. Remember that parenting is a partnership, not a gendered role.
One parent’s shortcomings can often be balanced by the other’s strengths through purposeful collaboration.
Errors in parenting are inevitable. Never be ashamed to seek guidance from qualified professionals. Upgrading your skills and improving as a parent are part of the lifelong mission of raising a child into a mature adult.
Always remember: a child deserves far more than simply being born and ‘brought up’.
The writer is senior psychiatrist at Medical Trust Hospital, Kochi, and a former member of the State Mental Health Authority