INDIA has a gift that no other nation possesses. We can bastardise and corrupt just about anything. We can mutate the Queen’s English into Butler English, in a matter of a few centuries. We can slice, dice and disfigure Chinese cuisine into appearing like Indian Chinese, in less than 50 years. We can reduce a hallowed, cultured sport like cricket into a kitschy slamglam IPL, in well under three years! This unique ability to mangle, mutilate and make things our own has been our survival kit for many millennia.
The world, unfortunately, has uncovered our little national secret. So anything firang is now diluted, defiled and distorted- at-source to suit the lowest common denominator of Indian sensibilities. The Suits at Hollywood Studios were the first to stumble upon this ‘formula’. Puritans like me were aghast when Planet of the Apes was released as Vaanar Raj with awfully dubbed voices. The question I had in my mind was, ‘Did they consult Tim Burton?’ Wouldn’t he have cringed if he had seen the translation? And doesn’t Vaanar Raj sound like a Bajrang Dal movie? No one in the Hindi hinterland shared my misgivings. They just lapped it up, inspiring a rash of dubbed titles.
Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds became Grahon ka Mahayudh. Tom Cruise’s The Last Samurai assumed a B-grade KC Bokadia kind of aura with Aakhri Yoddha. Deep Impact was reincarnated as Dhoomketu and made you think it was an Amar Chitra Katha production. Dunston Checks In at least tickled your funny bone with Ek Bandar Hotel Ke Andhar.
The tone for this comical genre was set by the distributors of Baby’s Day Out who preferred the very kiddie Ek Baby, Teen Badmash.
The Hindi title of The Bone Collector robbed the film of all mystery with the mindless Khatarnak Qatil, a name that will work for any serial killer movie. Lake Placid’s equivalent Magarmachch gave away the plot. But the one that takes the cake and the bakery is Khilona Ki Chahat Bani Papa Ki Aafat (Jingle All The Way). Time we ended this bakwas, no?