If you’ve read my column, you know how much I love meat. But if you see me eating paneer, you might judge me: “Look at this vegetarian enjoying paneer like it’s the last dish on earth. He has no idea biryani exists.”
I grew up in the North, where paneer is celebrated at weddings. The paneer at North Indian weddings was so good that I keep pushing my friends to get married, even though I’m a staunch atheist who thinks marriage is a scam.
I grew up loving paneer almost as much as meat. After eggs, it’s my preferred source of protein. You need roughly 1.5 to 2 litres of milk to make 250 grams of paneer, which is why I’d add it to the list of meats, like Pluto was added to the list of planets and then taken off.
My favourite dish is palak paneer, a bit of nostalgia from the North. Some North Indian restaurants in Hyderabad seem to think adding green colour to a curry is enough to make palak paneer. Much like how Hyderabadi biryani is served in Noida.
The best palak paneer I’ve eaten in this city is actually at Pakka Local, a Telugu restaurant. That’s embarrassing for all those restaurants with names like Punjab, Sardar and Patiala. Just because your restaurant has a photograph of a man in a turban, don’t think you can fool the urban.
Anyway, I’ve stopped eating paneer because, in June, 825 kg of suspected fake paneer was seized in Hyderabad. And that’s just what was caught. Imagine how much has already been served.
But how did we run out of genuine paneer? Did demand grow, or did supply decline?
My theory is that we brought too much paneer onto the streets. Paneer dosa, paneer shawarma, paneer maggi. The way street-food vendors shower paneer over food as if it were water, I’m sure manufacturers thought, “These guys don’t need good paneer. Let’s just give them hydrogenated oil mixed with whitener.”
How does this happen in a country that produces roughly a quarter of the world’s milk?
I’d understand if paneer were an export item. The best things go abroad, right? Apples, tea leaves and IIT graduates. But who is importing all this paneer? People in Spain and Turkey eat cheese, but where are the paneer-eating Europeans? Where is all this paneer going?
Maybe fake dairy analogues are cheaper to manufacture and more profitable.
And what about the vegetarians? I stopped eating paneer. I have meat. Meat can never be adulterated, right? But paneer is a major protein source for vegetarians. How come I don’t see you guys protesting for better paneer? We want animal paneer, not analogue paneer!
Ek kachori, do samosa, paneer se bhi uth gaya bharosa!
Anyway, I did my own research. Turns out, not all paneer is bad. If you buy an expensive product from a good brand, you’re probably fine. You can’t say ‘not all men’ with the same confidence, but you can say ‘not all paneer’.
But even branded groceries are being counterfeited. So if it says Amul on the packet, who’s to say you’re not getting rubber chunks dipped in Asian Paints?
I’ve accepted that the air I breathe comes with pollution, petrol comes with ethanol and milk comes with water. But paneer? I cannot accept this. Unfortunately, I have no choice but to reject it and move on.
Because protein powder with chocolate will add a few years to my life, while a plate of palak paneer might just take them away.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)