Should we look past someone’s past?

What if someone has a really bad past. A big mistake which he/she realises late. What should be done with that. Accept it or ignore it?PastMaster

Dear Readers,
The usage of the proverb “To Err is Human” is something that you would have come across quite often in my columns. Beimg a life coach, my primary duty is to make individuals stop BLAMING THEMSELVES, irrespective of the reasons as it doesn’t serve any good and finally turns out to be a waste of time and energy.
We all have a natural tendency to keep thinking about our past failures or experiences. It’s not wrong and is quite natural as we develop this behavior to proactively analyse, review and assess our past in order to avoid repeating the same in the future. But when INSIGHTFUL THINKING becomes BROODING is when the formation of DARK CLOUDS begin, making the STORM inevitable.

Making mistakes is what makes us Human, but REALISING the impact of our mistakes is what makes us GENUINE HUMANS. When the question of realising our mistakes LATE comes into picture... My response has always been “BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!”. 

In fact, I preach that a LATE realisation is always better as the IMPACT is BIGGER and the bigger the impact, the STRONGER is the learning, SIMPLE! The subject of realisation itself is vast which I shall definitely take up in detail shortly, but today’s focus is on why we tend to even sit and brood about our past before the realisation kicks in.

It’s a little complicated and my understanding goes like this. The PAST was once our PRESENT and the Future, then... is our PRESENT now! When we undergo an challenging experience, which we allow to disrupt our mental balance, is when we GET STUCK in a particular TIME LINE. When this TIME LINE isn’t in SYNC is when we sit and brood.

How to STOP LIVING IN THE PAST!
The first mistake which gets us STUCK in the past is the mistake of focusing on the  BLACK DOT rather than so much WHITE AROUND IT on a board. We fail to appreciate how blessed or lucky we are with what we have, rather we tend to compare and focus on what we don’t. In this context, we tend to only think of the mistakes rather than focus on the learnings derived from them.
The next is our EGOTISM. In majority of cases, I have seen individuals who fail to accept that they are facing a challenge as they are under the impression that it makes them to be perceived as incapable. This again makes them revisit these memories as soon as they get a chance to be alone, hence getting stuck in a loop and again losing track of the PRESENT. We feel, being secretive about it helps and fail to even for a minute think that there are hundreds or more who would have made the same mistake that we might have.

Last but not the least... REVENGE!
Holding onto grudges or vengeance forces us to constantly revisit past memories and ensures that we are stuck there. It spells disaster as it combines both the mistakes that I have discussed above plus HATE towards someone. The simplest advice that I can give, to start living in the present is... Make a list of all the positives in your life and stick it on your bathroom mirror or somewhere where it’s clearly visible and you shall look at once, every day. Let go of your egotism and express your past experiences with people who you trust. Finally, learn to either FORGIVE PEOPLE or CONFRONT THEN directly. Everyone makes mistakes, you have too. Irrespective of the damage that it has caused you, holding onto a grudge is only wasting your time and we often fail to realise that the person in question might have moved on.

My final word
I say, “Ignorance may be bliss, but ACCEPTANCE ensures that you’ll never REMINISCE!” Just think of this as driving a car... Would you drive looking at the windshield or the rear view mirror?

With Regards,
Adarsh Benakappa Basavaraj
The Coach

I am depressed. I know my problems, I’ve tried to recover but it’s of no use. I’m fed up. I don’t want to live, this is my last attempt. DownAndOut

Let’s be clear on ONE ASPECT! Thinking about NOT LIVING has never solved anyone’s problems! Think of how much pain and suffering you’ll cause to those who LOVE YOU, especially your parents. It’s not worth it, LET’S LIVE and LET LIVE!
I won’t say that you haven’t tried hard enough to handle the challenges but there’s a possibility that you’ve been thinking only from ONE point of view and haven’t been able to analyse. It happens when you’re distressed. There’s a possibility that you might be thinking about finding a solution to your problems at once. It’s impossible as we need to handle, think and find a solution to every issue differently.
We’ve all been through challenges, failed and risen up. Giving up won’t help, take it up as a challenge. When you’re relaxed, make a list of your problems. The most important problems which are in your control come first, the ones which are important but aren’t in your control come next. Analyse and draw a plan of action to address the issues that are in your control and stick to your plan. If required take the help of a sibling or a friend whom you trust and request them to help you to be on track.
The last but not the least, this phase is generally when you make it a habit to be alone and get lost in your thoughts. That’ll not help, ensure that you’re not alone and have someone or another around you. Exercise... it really helps!

I’m in fifth grade. How do I gain confidence to handle a bully benchmate who is a girl. BulliedBoy

Let’s understand why bullies behave the way that they do. In a majority of cases bullies are the ones who are ignored and crave for love. Especially at this age, they develop this kind of behaviour as they want company or someone to share their feelings with and aren’t able to... including at home. I can take a bet that she’s not LOVED ENOUGH at home, or at least she feels so.
So my first advice is to, rather than resisting or arguing with her, try to maybe be a little understanding and compassionate towards her. Try to talk to her about things that are bothering her and try to be helpful in anything that you feel she needs help in. You can actually become the COACH to her and support her. If you’re finding it too difficult to handle her and are losing patience, the best would be to request your teacher politely for a change of place. Do not tell them that she is the reason, you can maybe say that you’re having trouble seeing the board etc.
If that too doesn’t work, be frank about this to your parents and tell them the truth. They’ll figure out the best way to put it across to your teachers.

I read Abraham Lincoln made a schedule and worked on its basis. Can we be successful like him by doing the same? RoutineBound

It’s not just Abraham Lincoln, a majority of successful people in the world lead their lives this way. I do too. The main reason behind creating and closely following a schedule is to have CLARITY about your entire day. Schedules or planning your day also helps to effectively manage time, making you more productive. Schedules also help us stay on track and focus on our goals by scheduling follow ups as and when required. On the other hand, I have seen innumerable people spend or rather WASTE A LOT OF TIME in preparing a schedule which they eventually do not follow. Not only will you never be successful, but also after a time develop the habit of postponing.

My query is for my husband. He is stressed due to conditions at home and work. He does not gel with his mother. Because of psychological reasons he does not have interest in things. How do I help bring interest? I tried taking him out to make him feel good but he can’t enjoy himself. I’m stressed but I can handle it.NeedHelpToHelp

A man who isn’t very closely attached to his mother has a FEELING OF EMPTINESS subconsciously and craves for the same kind of love from his life partner. It also is evident that either his mother hasn’t spent enough time with him, for him to feel connected or hasn’t appreciated him enough for him to feel worthy of himself. Use these points to your advantage.
Look at him from another dimension like the child in him! Make him comfortable at being childish with  ONLY YOU. It really helps when he is able to let out his INNER CHILD. You need to be extra observant, figure out subtle actions that will help him relax. It might be sleeping on your lap and telling you about his day, or getting his hair ruffled etc. Once you figure out these, it subconsciously programs his mind to unwind, at least when he’s with you. You also need to be his best support and keep assuring him that everything will be OK.

Fifteen years ago, I was sexually abused by 3 cousins. I feel like a crime has happened to me. What can I do after 15 years? One of my neighbours also assaulted me. When I think about this, I want to kill him....Help!OldAches

You were too young to be able to actually figure out what was happening. The first step is to tell yourself that it wasn’t your fault. This will help you release the GUILT from your system. LOVE YOURSELF! EMBRACE YOURSELF! For example, whatever happened made you stronger to be able to face the world! And that’s an achievement and you need to pat yourself on your back.

Coming to the second scenario wherein you were forcefully made to indulge in a sexual act by your neighbour which is nothing but RAPE... The repeated experience coupled with the earlier abuse by your cousins would have definitely been both shattering and confusing. You wouldn’t know how to handle the situation and also wouldn’t know whom to vent this out with. So here the reason is guilt. You might be feeling why this kind of an experience had to repeat and how you allowed it to happen.
The urge to cause harm or punish the culprits now is because of the desensitisation that has automatically taken place over the years and you being in position to be able to think maturely. This feeling of yours is definitely justified! But look at the flip side, this also indicates you’ve become more stronger and empowered.

So here’s my advice, let’s work on your betterment and allow KARMA to work it’s magic. I know this isn’t easy but trust me it’s the best. Believe in the almighty to take care of them as KARMA leaves NO ONE. Why would you want to soil your hands trying to harm low lives like them. I’m also equally worried about your safety and wouldn’t want you to get into a mess trying to RIGHT the WRONGS. The best approach to help you cope with the guilt would be to join a support group or to take up an initiative to EDUCATE and EMPOWER girls by volunteering at an NGO that deals with victims of sexual abuse. This helps your mind to realise that you are not the only one and helps you attain closure by not feeling ALONE anymore and also gives you an opportunity to counsel or support them in any way you can.

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