Dear Dr K,
I have just started working at a major banking firm, and this is my first real job, with a salary and everything! However, my office dress code dictates that I go to work in ‘Formals’ every day, and I am not entirely sure what constitutes ‘Formals’. Could you help me out?
— Korpret Celloute
Dear Korpret,
The term ‘formal wear’ means different things in different countries, but I presume you are talking about business attire, which we often refer to as formals. The basic idea behind formal wear is that it should make you as hot and uncomfortable as possible. Once you have understood this, it’s really quite easy to figure out what constitutes formal wear. Typically, formals seek to make you hot by literally stifling you in every way possible. Corporations do this to keep their employees from getting too comfy at work and slacking off, or falling asleep.
First of all, your shirt needs to be full-sleeved, and buttoned at the cuffs, so that perspiration has no way of evaporating off your arms. The shirt should be tucked in at the waist, and secured tightly with a belt for further stifling and the added benefit of constipation.
To ensure that ventilation to your torso is also cut off, it is necessary to also button your collar and secure this with a fabric-strangling device — also known as tie.
Ties make it easy for your bosses to grab hold of you, shake you vigorously, and strangle you for your incompetence. They also often get in the way when you are taking your bathroom break: this, along with the aforementioned constipation, helps in ensuring that employees don’t take too many.
The next step is to top it off with a blazer or a suit that is so well insulated that you could make tea with just your body heat. Full pants and shoes are the most obvious requirements. They would have added a leather mask to the entire get up but then nobody would be able to see your face to tell just how uncomfortable you’re feeling in there.
This is, I admit, formal wear for only men, and all I know enough to talk about. If I ever understand women’s clothing, I will on that day declare myself the smartest man on earth.
Formal business attire serves its purpose well in many Indian cities. The temperatures of Mumbai, Delhi, Chennai, and several other places are all right now hitting the 40s (degrees Celsius), so you can imagine how terribly uncomfortable corporates are feeling in those clothes. Yet, strangely, while all this goes towards making everyone tremendously hot and uncomfortable, you will find that most corporate offices, where all the formally dressed people are, have their air conditioners on at full blast.
Some fashion theorists have put forward the theory that an AC is kept so cold in order to counter the stifling heat of formal wear. The majority (including myself), however, believe that formal wear became the way it is because corporate offices are typically kept at sub-zero temperatures.
Why would their offices be so cold? The answer: Most corporations are
decidedly anti-environment, and they realise that by putting their air conditioners on full blast they consume a lot of energy, and in doing so contribute to the global environmental crisis. Have fun destroying the planet in formals!
Yours questionably,
Dr K