We have all heard of the classic Beauty and the Beast story. The kind, selfless one falls for an ugly, anti-social beast. Their love transforms the “beast” into a kind hearted and empathetic hero. But what if, all this while, the “beauty” was not so “selfless”. What if the entire act of love was to pander to their insecurities. This plot twist, called “shrekking” is the latest buzz in the dating labyrinth. Borrowed, perhaps dubiously, from Shrek, the ogre-turned-prince who finds love beyond societal beauty norms, the term has a far darker edge in real life. It refers to the act of intentionally dating someone deemed less physically attractive than oneself in the expectation of a secure and more fulfilling relationship.
While the logic might suggest a safe harbor, dating experts warn that it’s a flawed strategy. But why does Shrekking resonate with so many? Is it the fear of rejection or just the growing dating fatigue?
Psychologist Samata Saha Kar cuts through the trend. “Shrekking reflects an underlying attempt to find safety and control in an unpredictable dating world by choosing partners who are perceived as less likely to reject us.”
She suggests that it’s a coping mechanism rooted in avoiding uncertainty. The belief that choosing a partner perceived as “safe” will minimise heartbreak. But research and experts suggest the opposite: people who compromise on attraction or compatibility often experience lower long-term happiness.
Shrekking lies on the assumption that physical appearances dictate behaviour or loyalty. Kar, however, suggests otherwise. “Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and authentic connection, not on lowered expectations or assumptions about loyalty based on appearance,” she says adding, “playing in the lower bracket doesn’t necessarily guarantee greater emotional returns.”
Similarly, other experts online, deemed shrekking as “toxic mentality,” likening it to social caste systems where desirability is measured like a currency.
Shrekking may feel like a shortcut for dating ease, but in reality, it often sets the stage for disappointment. Science and plain experience tell us that physical attraction, while influential, is just one actor in a richer cast that includes chemistry, kindness, connection, and emotional truth.
A mounting body of social psychology points to the matching hypothesis, the tendency of people to form lasting relationships with partners of similar attractiveness. Another Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study found that matching in attractiveness predicted mutual interest and relationship success in online dating world.
If you want to be wooed, don’t start by narrowing your expectations, instead respect your standards. Let your heart, not optics, guide you to the “happily ever after”.