Neanderthal means dumb. When we say someone is a ‘Neanderthal’, we mean you can’t find any one on the planet more stupid than that person. Neanderthals had narrow brows, a couple of brain cells, wore animal furs and were built like brick shithouses. Scientists have denied that 21st century man has any connection with such a dumb species. They had vanished off the earth’s face along with their pals, the dinosaurs. Recently, the great French archaeologist Marvellous K Fink unearthed cave paintings in Asia which depict a meeting between a group of Neanderthals. The paintings are a series that fill a long cave, and the discovery revealed that Neanderthals had discovered animation, long before Walt Disney and Marvel Comics, in the art of story telling.
The panels, in faded colours of red, green and blue, depicted the story of a meeting between different tribes of Neanderthals. Fink believes the conference took place on Mount Ararat, as the background has fluffy clouds over the
Neanderthal heads, and the mountain’s peak. In the left half of each panel five Neanderthals are sitting together. According to hieroglyphics beneath the panel they are identified as Ica, Nce, Ain, Sia and Ael. In the right half of the panels, separated by a dinosaur femur, are many other Neanderthals, angrily facing the five. Behind the five is a huge stockpile of Neanderthal nuklubs. These are more lethal than the ld clubs.
The nuklub was the great invention of Ica. It was four feet long, had a narrow handle and then swelled up into a large, bulbous head. It was the most formidable weapon invented by the Ica because of its great power to bash people over their heads and kill them instantly. Ica gave them only to the members of his own coalition. This coalition was distinguished by the width of their intellectual foreheads which was around two centimetres. The tribes facing them had foreheads of one and a nine tenth centimetres, which made them a tenth centimetre inferior. At least in the eyes of the five.
According to Fink, the tribes on the right of the panel are negotiating to buy the nuklubs but the left side tribes don’t want to sell them. They believe the nuklubs are too dangerous for the one and nine tenth centimetre Neanderthals, who will go around bashing everyone they meet. The technology for making these nuklubs is highly secretive. By keeping control of the nuklubs, the five argue that they are saving all the Neanderthals from such destruction.
In the right panel one of the Neanderthals, Dia already has a nuklub. However, everyone believes it’s an useless nuklub as the white ants had eaten up the inside. Another one, Tan, also owns the nuklub and in the panel we can see him passing it on to another Neanderthal behind the backs of the others. Further back, are two Neanderthals making their own nuklubs, copying the one passed onto them. They have cut down a whole tree to fashion these nuklubs.
In the following panel, Ica is seen lighting a tar torch. It catches fire and he brandishes it over his pile of nuklubs. According to Fink, he is stating that he will set fire to all his clubs, if everyone else will do the same. But the other four Neanderthals on his side aren’t too keen on lighting their torches. In the next panel, the Neanderthals are brandishing their nuklubs at each other, and one Neanderthal has thrown his nuklub at the five. The next panel shows the five throwing their nuklubs at the others.
In the final panel, Mount Ararat is deserted. Behind the mountain the small cloud has blossomed into a large mushroom. That’s how the Neanderthals vanished. If there had been an artist left behind, we would have see a man appear onto the mountain top in the new panel. According to some theories, we appeared very suddenly, somewhat like instant coffee, with milk and sugar. We have since developed into highly intelligent beings. At least, that’s what we tell ourselves.