A Tamil debate show recently discussed breakups and it sparked widespread conversation. Among its participants was a young woman who quickly became both a subject of scrutiny and a figure many young viewers deeply related to. The sadness in her eyes, the quiet respect with which she addressed her ex, and her candid acceptance of her own mistakes struck a chord with many. Soon, people on the internet who saw pieces of their own stories in her, began writing heartfelt messages.
While her vulnerability resonated with many, it also opened up a more complex conversation about how grief can sometimes mutate into obsession. Experts weigh in on why this happens, what fuels such emotional patterns, and how individuals can navigate them.
Ezhil Meena, a psychologist, highlights the foremost difference between healthy and unhealthy grieving. Although healthy grieving can include sadness, rumination, yearning, thoughts about the ex-partner, rage, anger, disrupted sleep and appetite, and sometimes difficulty concentrating on school or work, “a person who is grieving healthily will adapt to the loss, have intact identity, have future-oriented thoughts, and will show the ability to function in multiple aspects of their life,” she says.
“But people grieving unhealthily might have preoccupations about the person and will also engage in compulsive monitoring through social media. Since they are fixated, they will not be able to break away from the ruminative patterns,” Ezhil Meena adds. Megha C, a psychotherapist corroborates and says that such individuals fall into a self-induced loop where thoughts drive their behaviour and in turn, behaviour keeps their thoughts alive.
Experts believe that a romantic relationship offers validation and meaning, which can make detachment following a breakup difficult since the relationship becomes a part of a person’s emotional regulation system. But in individuals who show an anxious attachment style — often noticeable in people who are insecure and embody fear of abandonment — unhealthy grieving can surface. “In anxious attachment styles, their partner becomes an anchor for safety and reassurance. So, when the relationship ends, the nervous system struggles to register that and it continues to seek that person,” Megha explains.
At the same time, it’s important to note that this behaviour doesn’t arise in a vacuum or rest solely on the person who appears intrusive or obsessive. The dynamics of the relationship itself matters since the way they were treated by their partner can often foster an anxious attachment style, shaping how they respond to separation. Ezhil Meena explains, “We call it intermittent reinforcement, where their partner could have been inconsistent, alternating between closeness and withdrawal. For instance, on Sunday, their partner could have taken them out on a date, on Monday become grumpy, on Tuesday refused to meet, and then again, by Friday, they could have given flowers and apologised. The reinforcement or the rewarding system is very inconsistent and this creates a bond that intensifies the attachment. Popular psychology calls these as trauma bonds which are powerful bonds.”
Individuals who recognise themselves falling into these patterns should focus on breaking the loop between intrusive thoughts and impulsive actions, experts say. Although enrolling in therapy will help, not many have the resources to access help. In such cases, they should try to reduce triggers or reactivation, Megha emphasises. “Something as simple as an Instagram story or seeing their name pop up can restart this cycle and that needs to end. Blocking or muting ex-partners can create a psychological space for one to stabilise. After this comes learning to pause impulses and externalise reactions safely by maybe processing the feelings and emotions by journaling thoughts. This is better than sending those thoughts as a text message to the ex.”
Ezhil Meena also adds that one could have an accountability partner who can check if one is texting their ex. Another option is to also schedule worry periods to break from rumination loops. “It is called behavioural interruption where one can schedule worry periods. This is a cognitive behaviour therapy technique which really works,” she informs. But these are all short term fixes, she says, adding, “These wounds run deep and it is always good to have a conversation with a therapist if resources allow it.”
Tying this back to the Tamil debate show participant who triggered widespread response, Ezhil Meena highlights how dangerous it can be for people to use labels such as “toxic” and “obsessive” to describe her on social media. “These are grief responses and if labelled as ‘toxic’, people will start repressing their grief responses altogether.”
“This generation uses therapy language but does not do the therapy work. I strongly believe that people can’t pathologise this way because it can become incredibly reductive and affect a person. Only a medical professional can pathologise,” she concludes.