A friend of mine who has achieved everything in life — job, family, insurance, and a personal but verified Instagram account with 149 followers — recently asked me: ‘What is the purpose of life?’ I gave him the only correct answer: protein.
I don’t know if he found his answer, but I definitely found my column. Because if you think about it, all life is basically protein looking for protein. We are born, we live, we eat protein, and then we die. For humans it’s not that simple, of course, because between us and our protein there’s always a keyboard, a mouse, and a very unhappy manager.
And here’s the frustrating part: some people work harder than everyone else, and then willfully skip protein because of some old wives’ tale. That’s fine. Your loss — ie, hair loss.
Now that we’re a protein-aware generation — thanks to doctors and fitness influencers who discovered the hashtag #protein — let’s admit it: Hyderabad has good protein. Proof? Mohammed Siraj bowled 143.5 on Day 5 of that last Test. But there’s always a ‘but’.
Egg Puff
Let’s start at the bottom. The bakery egg puff is a very loved snack. It contains half an egg — about three grams of protein. That’s it. With such a pitiful amount, it should be called ‘Egg Poof’! The only reason it’s even mentioned as a protein source is because every time I refuse one, there’s always some guy who insists, “Arey mama, this has protein ra!” Sure. But to reach your daily requirement of 50 grams, you’d need 15 egg puffs. That’s 3,000 calories of maida and oil. And once maida enters your stomach, it never quits — like Sunil Gavaskar in cricket commentary.
Shawarma: Gains with a catch
A proper chicken shawarma gives you 25–30 grams of protein — practically half your daily requirement in one wrap. Sounds great, right? Wrong. Because all that good protein is immediately cancelled out by the mayonnaise. And Hyderabadis, in their infinite wisdom, actually pay extra to remove fibre. A regular shawarma is meat, bread, and veggies. A ‘special’ shawarma? Just meat and bread. Did you just pay money to get rid of vegetables? No wonder there are as many piles clinics as shawarma shops.
Double Egg Dosa
Doctors recommend starting your day with two eggs, which is why usually around midnight, after six beers and three hours of discussing real estate, chit funds, and the future of Donald Trump… That’s when they stop at a bandi and order a double egg dosa or double egg fried rice. Does it provide protein? Sure — 12–15 grams. But the way someone says ‘double egg’ at 2 am, with that mix of confidence and condescension, you’d think he’s a personal trainer. If it wasn’t 2 am, I’d ask him which gym he goes to.
Biryani
Biryani is mankind’s greatest protein invention. It has 25–30 grams of protein, the right amount of carbs, fats, and all the nutrients you’d need to fight a war — which is exactly what the biryani gods intended it for.
But since the war hasn’t started yet in Hyderabad, we take refuge at the nearest tent available… though never before having double ka meetha, chai, and paan. Our war style is strictly Kumbhakarna style — we sleep till the nick of time. So while biryani contains protein, the eater usually contains cholesterol.
Finding protein is easy in Hyderabad — we have many options: kebabs, haleem, mandi, and even pulaos faking it as biryani have decent protein. The hard part is not finding protein, it’s compromising on taste. Which is why oil, grease, and fevicol seem to have become our essential condiments.
For vegetarian options, please DM #change to Virat Kohli’s fitness trainer on Instagram.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)