Before the 1983 Cricket World Cup, a journalist confidently said India had no chance of winning. India won. And in the movie 83, he actually eats a newspaper. That image traumatised me, which is why I never made predictions, only observations. But it turns out he did not actually eat anything. It was just an expression and the movie exaggerated it. That gives me confidence. So this year, I am making bold Indian Premier League (IPL) predictions. And if I am wrong, you cannot make me eat paper, because most of us read e-paper now.
SRH is my home team, so let us get them out of the way. I support them, I love them, but I do not trust them. If I were a bookie, I would give SRH 1:1000 odds. If they even make the playoffs, I will take a flag and roam around Tank Bund. Batting looks strong on paper, but we have seen this before, flat-track heroes and highlight reels. The bowling unit looks like net bowlers for an Under-19 trial. Pat Cummins, if and when he arrives, might already be too late. We will not win, but we will definitely disturb someone else’s playoff chances.
RCB killed it (and them) last year and look good this year too. They have finally fixed the mistake SRH is still making, investing in both bowling and batting. My prediction is playoffs for the team and flying kisses for Anushka. But winning twice in a row is not easy. It is easier to manoeuvre in Bengaluru traffic than to win twice in a row. Who are you, Dhoni or Rohit? They have Virat Kohli, but his finals record is heartbreaking.
CSK have five titles and I think even they feel that is enough for now. My bold prediction is that they will not win another trophy as long as MS Dhoni is still playing. I am ready to eat real paper if I am wrong. CSK now feels like a concert. People come to see Dhoni appear for 20 seconds, like an ad break.
MI will win this year. Why? Because all the players from the recent World Cup who performed well are here in this team. This is not a team, this is the Avengers. Everyone is in form and it is time for the Ambanis to make a winning documentary to release on JioHotstar.
LSG, I have only one prediction, confusion. They feel like the associate nation of the IPL. You know they exist, but you do not prepare for them. They are that employee you do not fire because you need to fill the quota.
Delhi will either finish at the top or at the bottom. No middle, and still not win. I genuinely want them to win though. Players like KL Rahul and Axar Patel are the good samaritans of the cricket world, always helping and never asking for credit. We are used to feeling bad for them and will continue that feeling this year.
RR will win, but only hearts. Mainly because of Vaibhav Suryavanshi. He will be like Sachin in that way. Fans will watch till he gets out and then change the channel. They will fight bravely, like that one African team in the FIFA World Cup, highly supported but exiting early.
GT won the title in their very first season and that will remain their biggest achievement. I do not have logical reasons, but you will agree that we cannot imagine them as champions in 2026. Shubman Gill’s next big trophy will come with the national team.
PBKS follow a pattern. They are bad for a few years, suddenly become good, reach the final, lose, and then relax again. Since they reached the final recently, this is their vacation season.
KKR’s formula this season is old dogs with new tricks, with Ajinkya Rahane as captain. We are already discussing whether Suryakumar Yadav should retire, and here is Ajinkya Rahane leading a team. The premise sounds like the movie F1, but will it be a hit? No. Ajinkya Rahane is not Brad Pitt and IPL is not fiction.
These are my predictions for this year. If I am wrong, DM me. I will eat the paper, as long as you bring some bajjis with it.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)