Logic says that if you want someone to like you, you should do something nice for them. Research suggests the opposite: If you want someone to like you, ask them to do you a favour. It sounds counter-intuitive but apparently, people start liking you more once they’ve done you a favour.
This phenomenon is known as the Ben Franklin Effect, after the American founding father, who was famous for using small requests to win over his rivals. Legend has it that Franklin noticed that one of his colleagues in the Pennsylvania legislature was antagonistic toward him. Instead of winning him over with praise or presents, Franklin took an innovative path.
Knowing that the man owned a very rare book, Franklin asked to borrow it for a few days. The rival sent it immediately. A week later, Franklin returned the book and expressed sincere gratitude for the favour. The next time they met, the man reportedly spoke to Franklin with newfound civility, and expressed a desire to serve him further. The two went on to become lifelong friends, and Franklin later wrote: “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
What’s the thinking behind this? Psychologists call it cognitive dissonance. When we do a favour for someone we dislike (or are indifferent to), our brain encounters a conflict. On one hand, we don’t like someone. On the other, we just helped them. To resolve this tension, the brain must change one of the variables. Since the action cannot be undone, the brain justifies the effort by thinking: ‘I wouldn’t help someone I dislike, so I must actually like them more than I thought.’ Also, once we’ve helped someone, we invariably become more invested in their life, and success.
Look around and you will see, both at work and play, leaders and mentors paying more attention to those who actively seek them out for help. Everyone likes to feel helpful and needed, so it’s not surprising that people get more connected when they are asked to contribute, especially to requests that seem personal. Also, when someone asks for a favour, they are signalling trust and respect for the other person’s expertise or resources.
So, how can you do the same?
Start with a micro-favour: Ask for something that requires almost zero effort but acknowledges the other person’s ability to make it happen. This could entail something small, such as asking for a lift or requesting an introduction to someone.
Ask for advice: Asking a colleague for advice on handling a client is a favour that doubles as flattery. It validates their competence, and gets them interested in you.
Ensure the favour is small and voluntary: For the effect to work, the person must feel they chose to help and not be burdened by the enormity of the ask. If a favour is coerced, it will create resentment rather than liking.
Remember, when you invite someone to contribute to your life, you aren’t being a burden—you are giving them a reason to believe you are worth helping.