The recent disclosures by an actress that she was manipulated in a toxic relationship had caught widespread public attention. While we empathise with the pain and suffering she has undergone, the crucial question remains: how do we deal with manipulation by narcissistic and toxic individuals? Failure to address it can result in sustained emotional torture.
Manipulation is defined as a deliberate strategy used covertly to control or influence another person’s thoughts, feelings or behaviour for personal gain or to obtain power in a relationship.
Developing the skills to recognise and address manipulative behaviour, and the ability to push for change, can be a strength. Most importantly, there has to be the courage to walk away if no change happens. Here are some of the manipulative games toxic personalities may play in relationships.
BEWARE OF GASLIGHTING
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation in which a person makes their partner doubt their memory, perception or sanity.
They may employ the following techniques:
Reality distortion: They deny what happened until you doubt what you saw.
Memory manipulation: They rewrite facts until you doubt what you remember. Emotional invalidation: They dismiss your feelings as “too much” or “wrong”.
Dependency creation: You start relying on them to tell you what is real.
In a relationship, one should have the ability to spot this. There is no point in trying to win the debate or prove the other person wrong.
Gaslighters can be highly skilled at hooking victims into circular arguments. Disengaging is the best policy. Trust your memory and resist being drawn into arguments in a bid to manipulate you.
MANAGING GUILT-TRIPPING
You are about to say no to an unreasonable demand when your partner lists everything they have done for you in the past: “You don’t care about me at all.”
A quiet guilt creeps in — “Maybe I haven’t done enough…” — and the unreasonableness of the demand is forgotten. That’s a guilt trip.
Recognise the tactic, stay calm and hold your boundary. Acknowledge their disappointment without accepting blame, and don’t make decisions driven by guilt.
Make your partner aware that you will not take decisions based on feelings of guilt.
SURVIVING LOVE-BOMBING
If a partner overwhelms you with excessive affection, grand gestures, flattery and intense attention in an attempt to gain control too quickly, one should be alert to the possibility of love-bombing.
The aim is to create an addictive attachment and a puppet-on-a-chain-like existence. Once dependency is created, cycles of emotional abuse, control and devaluation may follow.
It is important to identify the red flags and handle them. Tell your partner clearly that you prefer to take things slowly and get to know each other gradually. Politely refuse extravagant gifts or fast-tracked displays of affection and observe how they respond. A healthy partner will respect your limits, while a love-bomber may get angry, become defensive or push harder.
VICTIM-CARD GAMES
Playing the victim card means intentionally exaggerating, fabricating or misrepresenting victimhood to gain sympathy, deflect criticism or avoid responsibility. This tactic shifts the blame away from the person at fault and pushes others into a defensive or comforting role.
How should you respond when someone plays the victim card? Don’t argue or agree. Stay neutral. You can say, “I understand how you feel.” This lets them feel heard without validating the manipulation.
Notice if your empathy is being used to excuse their behaviour or avoid accountability. Bring the conversation back to solutions. Emphasise actions for survival and make it clear that resolving the issue is their personal responsibility.
TIPS TO TACKLE MANIPULATION
Toxic personalities may employ various other methods of manipulation.
The following strategies can be your shield:
Pause. Don’t respond immediately. Ask for time to process what happened. Manipulation often relies on speed. Time weakens it.
Name it. Identify what is happening internally. Is it gaslighting? Is it playing the victim card? Do not ignore the feeling that the person’s behaviour is aimed at gaining emotional supremacy over you. Naming the tactic helps you stay calm and choose the right response.
Enforce boundaries. Don’t allow anyone to emotionally exploit you to get what they want. Be clear about what you will and will not accept.
Don’t try to fix or convince the manipulator. They may not be looking for logic or solutions. They may be looking for a reaction they can use against you to gain control.
Check with safe people when confused. Talk to trusted friends, family members or a professional. An outside perspective may provide clarity.
A tendency to silently suffer manipulation, or vulnerability to manipulative partners, may point to underlying personality patterns that need repair. Ask yourself why you fall into such patterns. Work towards addressing those vulnerabilities.