BENGALURU: I had a tough time writing this. A while ago, I was reading a post by a woman who works in a newsroom. She had written about how our own families inhibit our independence. My grandmother was a wonderful, talented musician and singer. After her marriage, if she sat down with her Veena or her Violin to practice, her mother-in-law, my great-grandmother, would start preaching about the role of a homemaker. My grandmother gave up and for many years, was lost in a maze of kitchen duties. Much later, only when her children moved out, she could afford to get back to music. By then, she had undergone a drastic change. After years of conditioning, it had become a habit for her to put others first.
Take a look around us. How many families wholeheartedly encourage all of their members to follow the path they have chosen? Many of us have made choices we never wanted to. But we cannot accuse our families of forcing these options on us. At the end of the day, it is our family. How is it possible to speak out against it?
A well-educated girl I know was getting married. The match seemed perfect. Both families got on well with each other. The only trouble was that the bride did not want to get married. A day before she left for the wedding, I asked her, “It’s not too late. Why are you doing this?” She said, “My family has been planning my wedding for a long time. I cannot disappoint them.”
The fear of losing our families is so strong that we are prepared to risk our own limits and harm ourselves. From our choice of extracurricular activities to our careers, our lifestyle, choosing our partner or our endeavours, we undergo ‘conditioning’ in various forms and levels. “It’s all for your good!” – is what we end up believing. While praising the stalwarts who broke barriers, while telling our children stories of Seemollanghana – of Pandavas crossing the border on Vijayadashami to attain victory, we are so afraid of our children crossing the road.
When and how can we get what we want? We have been trained for years to hold everything in. We keep suffocating with the fear of being the black sheep of the family – until this fear breaks us from within – until we are left with nothing. Many of us may even deny it. “This is for our own good,” some may argue. Going against the grain is like pushing the first piece of a domino combination. The whole system collapses.
An old friend of mine wrote on her wall about her struggle around her parents, obsessed with making and saving money. She spoke of untangling herself and building a life of her own. I could sense that she just wanted to speak out about it, without any desire for sympathy. “When and how do we get what we want?” I asked her. Pat came her answer – “A seamless breach.”