CHENNAI: February 27, 2013. 11 pm.’ ‘Dear diary, Today, my sister celebrated her 19th birthday. She looked perfect, like an angel. I wish I did too but my maasi keeps telling me that I am not as pretty as my didi. I feel bad. I want to look pretty too. I ate six cupcakes today but I was scared that I might gain weight…so, I vomited…’
“I was hardly 15 years old when I wrote this entry. Little did I know that it would mark the beginning of my long battle with an eating disorder,” shares 22-year-old BBA graduate Sheetal Bhatt, showing us a torn page from her seven-year-old diary. Ever since that summery night of 2013, Sheetal began finding comfort in secretly binging on food. “I used to consume excessive amounts of food of all kinds. Especially the ones that were fried, cheesy, and high on sugar.
Since I was young, my parents too didn’t have any qualms about buying them for me. I wasn’t gaining weight despite my excessive eating. But the reality was different. I had lost control of how much I was eating and to avoid the extra calories, I used to purge as soon as I stuffed myself with food,” recalls Sheetal, who was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa, an eating disorder involving excessive eating and purging, in 2016. “After four years of suffering, I came out to my mother about my struggles. She was shocked and began blaming herself for being negligent of my condition. After the diagnosis and a conversation with a psychiatrist, I was made aware that, perhaps, it was due to my perpetual distress over my body shape and weight. I often used to compare myself with my sister — the way she looked — and it mentally affected me,” she opens up.
Now, four years of treatment, therapy and counseling later, Sheetal has been able to, if not bid adieu to the condition, keep it under control. “Bulimia often coexists with other conditions. I suffered and still experience bouts of anxiety and depressive phases. Due to the recurrent purging, I developed throat ulcers too. In many ways, the disorder is life-altering. There are times, especially when I am in a dark place, I tend to reach out to my old habits. But, since I’ve come out to my family, they have now turned into my strongest support system, ensuring I stride forward. But, it’s a long journey ahead, one that I am willing to take,” adds Sheetal.
Slow acceptance
Recently, when Netflix streamed the fourth season of the historical drama series The Crown, it garnered attention for its portrayal of the late Princess Diana’s struggle with bulimia. While the engaging series was applauded for its accurate yet sensitive portrayal of the condition, for many who were silently struggling with it, the show opened an avenue to share their story within their circle. “I purged what I’d eaten for lunch, gargled, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, wore bright red lipstick and headed to my boyfriend’s house for an evening marathon of The Crown. We’d just started dating and I felt it was too soon to tell him about my disorder. As we started watching the show, the episodes, especially where Diana’s struggles were portrayed, overwhelmed me. I was nervous about how my boyfriend would react to the condition’s portrayal. But, I could sense empathy and that’s when I broke down. I was inconsolable for a while and later, I opened up to him,” recalls Ashna T, a 28-year-old IT professional.
“How did you feel after?” I ask. “Until then, I never felt worthy. I used to feel guilty and disgusted about myself for the excessive eating and what followed. After my conversation with him, I sensed acceptance. I felt relieved, like a weight was off my chest. That acceptance was important to me because despite knowing my condition, my family turned a deaf ear to my struggles. They felt it was just a ‘transitional phase’ and that I was being ‘dramatic’. Such sensitive representations of less-talked about conditions are very important. I don’t feel invisible anymore,” shares Ashna, who has now opened up to her friends about her condition. “Some are my childhood friends and they were visibly shocked. But now, they have stepped in to help me and have been accompanying me to treatments and therapy sessions. Societal pressure and being part of a dysfunctional family, among others, are some of the possible triggers for the condition…I attribute mine to the latter. But now, my family is slowly beginning to support me in treating me. My recovery journey is a work in progress but I am confident that I’ll reach my goal,” she smiles.
The burden of fitness
Eating disorders usually begin as an emotional health problem, snowballing into mental health illnesses with alarming implications on one’s physical well-being. “It’s not a mere desire to lose weight or stay slim. And more importantly, eating disorders can also happen to men,” says Aakash*, a 30-year-old, freelance graphic designer. “A decade ago, when I stepped into adulthood, men with six-pack abs and a chiselled body were glorified. For me, someone who has always been on the heavier side, my confidence took a huge hit when I was the only person in my social circle who was ‘chubby’,” he narrates.
What started as an attempt to become fit soon turned into an “obsession” for Aakash. “I was overly mindful or rather obsessed with what I was eating, the quantity, and often restricted my intake. I used to use laxatives and appetite suppressants too. While I did shed a few kilos (from 90 kg to 50 kg), it never seemed enough. I starved, over-exercised and repeated the cycle until one day, when I crashed. I was underweight (by 20 kg) and had strained my spine due to excessive workouts. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa in 2015,” he shares. Over the past five years, through medical treatment and talk therapy, Aakash has been able to restore a normal weight. However, to put a plug on the distorted perception of his body and intense fear of gaining weight have been a task, he tells. “Unlike bulimia, where the disorder isn’t visible to the world, anorexia manifests itself in the most obvious form — you lose weight, look malnourished. This is followed by unsolicited comments about the body and the way one looks. It’s a nightmare, especially when you have negative comments about your self-image. We should be more mindful before we discuss someone’s body weight,” he adds.
Trauma-induced triggers
While studies and dialogues on eating disorders are aplenty in the West, in India, it’s nothing but understudied. With research far and few in between, and awareness still in its nascent stages, for those living with the conditions, it’s nothing short of a nightmare. For Santhosh Paneerselvam*, a 20-something with binge-eating disorder and an adult survivor of child sexual abuse (CSA), binge-eating became a way of relieving the feelings of stress and anxiety. “To be a CSA survivor came with certain baggage — emotional, psychological and physical. When I turned 19, to cope, I started binge-eating and became obese. The negative feeling of binge-eating often led me to use food to cope and it became a vicious cycle. It was hard to come to terms with it,” shares the content writer, who is currently under treatment. “I am working on healing my emotional triggers. To live with the stigma is quite stressful and I wish people became more aware of such conditions,” he adds.
During times of COVID-19, the lockdown has only furthered the vulnerability of those with eating disorders, say medical professionals. “With not much to do at home and social distancing taking a toll on relationships, for many with eating disorders, this has further triggered their stress and anxiety levels. As a way to let out steam, eating for most becomes a coping mechanism,” explains Vaishnavi Mohanraj, mind coach (Senior counseller and psychotherapist) at Medall Blume. Concurring, PR Subramanian, head coach (nutrition and Eat Pillar) at Medall Blume says, “With cases of such eating disorders high among adolescents and young adults, especially girls and women, sensitisation and awareness should be created from a young age. One has to be mindful of how their eating habits and lifestyle are affecting them. When any symptoms of eating disorders are observed, one should seek help immediately. Early detection and intervention are important.”
Those in need of help/counselling, contact the state’s health helpline 104 or Sneha’s suicide prevention helpline: 044-24640050
*Names changed