So I put on Aparichit.
For those who haven’t seen it, it’s about a lawyer with dissociative identity disorder who becomes a vigilante, punishing people for breaking the law according to the Garuda Purana.
I’ve watched this movie so many times that whenever I see someone breaking rules, my brain automatically starts assigning them an Aparichit punishment.
I am in training.
One day I will become Hyderabadi Aparichit.
This is your warning.
Case File 1: Wrong-side drivers
My vigilante career will begin with wrong-side drivers.
The Garuda Purana was written before traffic jams, so there’s no punishment for this crime.
Which means... I have to innovate.
If you’re caught driving on the wrong side, Aparichit will visit your parking lot at night.
He’ll move your steering wheel to the passenger side.
He’ll fit all four tyres inside out.
Then he’ll flip your car upside down.
Now you figure out which side is the right side.
Case File 2: Food influencers
People think Aparichit would punish food influencers for gluttony.
No.
Let’s be honest. Aparichit himself has a concerning body fat percentage.
Their real crime is lying.
How is every restaurant...
‘The best biryani in Hyderabad’.
‘The crispiest dosa’.
‘The hidden gem’.
What level of six sigma are Hyderabad chefs following?
Every reel is identical.
One bite.
‘Abbaaa...’
Second bite.
‘Mind-blowing’.
Third bite.
‘Guys, you HAVE to come here’.
Meanwhile, we keep reading reports of fake paneer, expired chicken and unhygienic kitchens.
Apparently the bacteria only attacks paying customers.
Aparichit hates liars.
He knows they take one bite, act impressed and rush to the next café.
So he’ll make them finish the entire dish live on Instagram.
No cuts.
No filters.
No ‘Guys...’
Just eat the whole thing you just called ‘mind-blowing’.
Case File 3: Real estate developers
I don’t have a personal vendetta against builders.
But somebody has to answer for this.
There used to be a lake near my house.
Now there’s an apartment.
Then it rained.
The neighbourhood became a lake again.
Hyderabad already has thousands of unsold apartments, yet every empty plot becomes another gated community.
My Aparichit will lock every builder in the basement parking of one of their own projects during monsoon.
Construction noises will play on loop until every unsold flat finds an owner.
Only then can they say,
‘Real estate is booming’.
Case File 4: Hospitals
There’s a doctor near my house I’ve been visiting since 2007.
Every illness has the same diagnosis.
Fever?
Admit.
Cold?
Admit.
Back pain?
Admit.
I once went for a fitness certificate.
He said, ‘Better get admitted’.
Later I found out he owns the nursing home attached to the clinic.
Everything suddenly made sense.
Many hospitals work the same way.
Extra tests.
Extra scans.
Extra bills.
Not always because we need them.
Sometimes because the doctor wants a new car.
The real Aparichit would probably boil them in oil.
I’m much more reasonable.
I’ll make them drink oil until they become patients...
...and then get treated by doctors who passed NEET using leaked papers.
That’s my starter pack for Hyderabadi Aparichit.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)