It is ironic that the latest book, Heartbreak Unfiltered, by India’s first Mills & Boon author, Milan Vohra, is about love… followed by loss and heartbreak. A sign of our times, perhaps, when sweeping right on one of the many dating apps does not necessarily lead to happily ever after; when we are more likely to be led up the garden path than swept off our feet.
At the start itself, the author quotes a study by the famous researchers Helen Fisher and Lucy Brown, which proves that heartbreak can affect the body, mind and behaviour as much as physical injury or trauma. The book then goes deep into the psychology of heartbreak, aided no doubt by the mental health professionals Vohra has consulted.
We are told about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Red flags that one may have missed are comprehensively classified. Different ‘attachment styles’ and ‘love language’ in therapy-speak are deconstructed; this works as an eye-opener but could also spark recognition of the behaviour. The ‘narcissist personality’ is discussed, a type that will seem familiar to quite a few of us, as is the double whammy that results when a relationship with a friend-turned-lover ends.
Vohra’s gaze is non-judgemental, and advice is dispensed throughout in a chatty, warm tone. And what is the advice? How to realise that a relationship has reached its expiry date. Ways in which we have to let go completely, and the challenge involved in doing this when so much of our relationship is on social media. How to attain closure, how to exit without a breakdown. And most importantly, how to reclaim and redefine yourself.
The author has adroitly included exercises to do in a section called ‘Exit the Heartbreak.’ Some are quirky and others logical, all are appealingly interactive. The exercises include writing a negative appraisal of our ex like an unpleasant boss would do, counting our days of absolutely ‘no contact’ with an ex, and writing down what we value, what we seek.
Personal stories of love and loss are threaded through the book, serving as both example and cautionary tale. The stories are inclusive and incorporate those of gay and trans couples. It is quite heartening to see the various ways in which people pull themselves out of the abyss that heartbreak has flung them into. This can be through spirituality, helping others, reclaiming their identity or simply realising that being single is also fine.
Heartbreak is treated seriously, not dismissed as trivial, and Vohra deals with different aspects of the attendant trauma. Some myths are broken, and there is always an effort to bring clarity. The straightforward, no-frills prose, with some bits in Hindi, helps aid this. In going against the tropes in popular culture where the person who has lost in love goes into a decline or is seen as a loser, the author states unequivocally that ‘you choose you.’