Nikhil clutched the back of a chair. Reena gritted her teeth. They glared at each other in fury. Despite the strong connection they shared, their marriage never lacked for spats. Tempers flared often. As was their custom when things reached boiling point, each left the room to cool off for a bit. Every time they walked away this way, the same question frustrated both minds: “Why did she/he have to be SO difficult?!”
The “difficult partner” is a personality archetype that often comes up in relationship-related conversation. While discussing their relationship troubles, people often say, “I’m difficult and that is what makes me worth it. So he/she better deal with it!”, or words to that effect. Singer-songwriter Bob Marley is famously quoted as saying, “If she is easy, she won’t be amazing”. The theme emerging here is that a great partner is someone who is—necessarily and intrinsically—hard to be with. It then becomes important to ponder what exactly being a “difficult partner” constitutes.
We may safely say that “being difficult” cannot be constantly making unreasonable demands of our special someone. Nor can it be flying off the handle over trifles. It certainly cannot be insisting they neglect crucial areas of their lives to focus on the relationship. That is, it cannot be any type of behaviour that detracts from their physical and emotional wellbeing.
So what is the right kind of difficult? It is speaking our minds when our loved ones take decisions to their own serious detriment. It is persuading them to explore new interests, or presenting novel perspectives that push them to re-evaluate long-held opinions. It is driving any change that impels them to live up to their fullest potential. Such changes, by propelling people out of comfort zones, will undoubtedly lead to the ones causing the changes, to be seen as “difficult partners”. But it is a justified difficulty, as it seeks to augment the beloved’s quality of life.
So, while priding ourselves on our “difficulty” quotient in a relationship, it is crucial not to overstep the line between counselling and nagging, between building fires that damage and those from whose ashes, phoenixes arise. It is important to ensure all difficulty originates solely from a place of the deepest, most unconditional love—a love that, despite all the difficulties it creates, is just as difficult, to destroy.