New Year is a time for decisive decisions. We access the resolutions of India’s most important figures.
Arvind Kejriwal: To introduce a new portfolio called the Ministry of Gimmicks, which will be held by himself. Javed Akhtar will be made the Minister of Music who will write lyrics for AAP. Every cabinet meeting will start with the song Waqt ne kiya kya haseen sitam sung by the chief minister. To hold antakshari with Congress MLAs which will start with Tere mere beech mein, kaisa hai ye bandhan. The winner will get a basket of mangoes and a broom. To reach work, will only travel by the Metro daily, but in a special train reserved exclusively for the CM and his cabinet. No red beacons will be put on top of the compartments. Volunteers will sweep the station with brooms where Kejri will alight. To buy a new broom each day to sweep his office and the corridors of power. Give sanction for AAP to buy thousands of candles since all power bills will be torn up and electricity connections will be disconnected. In addition to 700 litres of free water, 400 bottles of Pepsi will be provided free to the poor because AAP’s slogan for 2014 will be ‘Dil Maange More!’ Ramlila will be celebrated only at Delhi Secretariat, since Ramlila Maidan will be the only venue where cabinet decisions would be taken. All AAP members will have to sleep in tents in Ramlila Maidan, since they will be asked to support their families from outside. All Delhi government officials will be ordered to take off their clothes in the office to ensure transparency in governance. According to a new clause in the Jan Lokpal Bill, free whistles would be provided for all honest officials who sends him SMSes. Reservation for journalists in politics to join AAP. Ghaziabad to get special status. To build a road from Ramlila Maidan to Race Course Road without speed breakers.
Anna Hazare: Will go on fast to go on more fasts. To sue Kejri for stealing his cap-maker.
Sheila Dikshit: To oppose AAP from inside. To hold an unconditional swearing-at ceremony on Barapullah flyover against Kejri if he probes her previous decisions. To get Centre to pay for free power for all roads built during CWG. To agitate to give parole to all the children of politicians in Tihar Jail.
Manmohan Singh: Not known. He doesn’t talk.
Sonia Gandhi: To include in 2014 manifesto, a clause to pay food bills in all restaurants serving pasta and pizzas. To learn Telugu to speak in Parliament during the Telangana Bill debate next month.
Narendra Modi: To adopt all stray puppies on roads. Will project holograms of puppies all over the country to show how shaken he is by road accidents. To endeavour to get more hits on blogs than Advani.
L K Advani: To write more blogs than Narendra Modi. To break into tears at every public function while wringing his hands. To contest elections from Gujarat so that later he can prove his popularity and at least become CM of Gujarat if Modi becomes PM.
Rahul Gandhi: To wear Modi kurtas so that he doesn’t have to roll up his sleeves at meetings. To change very decision passed by both the Centre and state governments on the grounds that it’s all nonsense. To learn lessons from AAP by travelling by the Metro with Kejriwal and promising Sonu Nigam a Congress ticket from South Bombay if he teaches him to sing the song Kal ho na ho.
Mulayam Singh Yadav: To give Akhilesh up for adoption to Mayawati to defeat BSP in 2014.
Mayawati: To erect statues of herself and Ambedkar on Ramlila Maidan to wean Dalits away from AAP.
Digvijaya Singh: To erect statues of Rahul Gandhi everywhere.
Mamata Banerjee: To reshuffle her portfolios and hold painting exhibitions of her achievements showing people being arrested for Facebook posts.
M Karunanidhi: To become brand ambassador for Rayban after retiring from active politics.